filmskakespeare.org

ACT I, SCENE I.

Windsor. Before PAGE's house.

Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS

SHALLOW
001: Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star-
002: chamber matter of it: if he were twenty Sir John
003: Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire.

SLENDER
004: In the county of Gloucester, justice of peace and
005: 'Coram.'

SHALLOW
006: Ay, cousin Slender, and 'Custalourum.

SLENDER
007: Ay, and 'Rato-lorum' too; and a gentleman born,
008: master parson; who writes himself 'Armigero,' in any
009: bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation, 'Armigero.'

SHALLOW
010: Ay, that I do; and have done any time these three
011: hundred years.

SLENDER
012: All his successors gone before him hath done't; and
013: all his ancestors that come after him may: they may
014: give the dozen white luces in their coat.

SHALLOW
015: It is an old coat.

SIR HUGH EVANS
016: The dozen white louses do become an old coat well;
017: it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast to
018: man, and signifies love.

SHALLOW
019: The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old coat.

SLENDER
020: I may quarter, coz.

SHALLOW
021: You may, by marrying.

SIR HUGH EVANS
022: It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.

SHALLOW
023: Not a whit.

SIR HUGH EVANS
024: Yes, py'r lady; if he has a quarter of your coat,
025: there is but three skirts for yourself, in my
026: simple conjectures: but that is all one. If Sir
027: John Falstaff have committed disparagements unto
028: you, I am of the church, and will be glad to do my
029: benevolence to make atonements and compremises
030: between you.

SHALLOW
031: The council shall bear it; it is a riot.

SIR HUGH EVANS
032: It is not meet the council hear a riot; there is no
033: fear of Got in a riot: the council, look you, shall
034: desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a
035: riot; take your vizaments in that.

SHALLOW
036: Ha! o' my life, if I were young again, the sword
037: should end it.

SIR HUGH EVANS
038: It is petter that friends is the sword, and end it:
039: and there is also another device in my prain, which
040: peradventure prings goot discretions with it: there
041: is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master Thomas
042: Page, which is pretty virginity.

SLENDER
043: Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and speaks
044: small like a woman.

SIR HUGH EVANS
045: It is that fery person for all the orld, as just as
046: you will desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys,
047: and gold and silver, is her grandsire upon his
048: death's-bed--Got deliver to a joyful resurrections!
049: --give, when she is able to overtake seventeen years
050: old: it were a goot motion if we leave our pribbles
051: and prabbles, and desire a marriage between Master
052: Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.

SLENDER
053: Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound?

SIR HUGH EVANS
054: Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny.

SLENDER
055: I know the young gentlewoman; she has good gifts.

SIR HUGH EVANS
056: Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is goot gifts.

SHALLOW
057: Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there?

SIR HUGH EVANS
058: Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do
059: despise one that is false, or as I despise one that
060: is not true. The knight, Sir John, is there; and, I
061: beseech you, be ruled by your well-willers. I will
062: peat the door for Master Page.
[Knocks]
063: What, hoa! Got pless your house here!

PAGE
064: [Within] Who's there?

Enter PAGE

SIR HUGH EVANS
065: Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and Justice
066: Shallow; and here young Master Slender, that
067: peradventures shall tell you another tale, if
068: matters grow to your likings.

PAGE
069: I am glad to see your worships well.
070: I thank you for my venison, Master Shallow.

SHALLOW
071: Master Page, I am glad to see you: much good do it
072: your good heart! I wished your venison better; it
073: was ill killed. How doth good Mistress Page?--and I
074: thank you always with my heart, la! with my heart.

PAGE
075: Sir, I thank you.

SHALLOW
076: Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do.

PAGE
077: I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.

SLENDER
078: How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say he
079: was outrun on Cotsall.

PAGE
080: It could not be judged, sir.

SLENDER
081: You'll not confess, you'll not confess.

SHALLOW
082: That he will not. 'Tis your fault, 'tis your fault;
083: 'tis a good dog.

PAGE
084: A cur, sir.

SHALLOW
085: Sir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog: can there be
086: more said? he is good and fair. Is Sir John
087: Falstaff here?

PAGE
088: Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good
089: office between you.

SIR HUGH EVANS
090: It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.

SHALLOW
091: He hath wronged me, Master Page.

PAGE
092: Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.

SHALLOW
093: If it be confessed, it is not redress'd: is not that
094: so, Master Page? He hath wronged me; indeed he
095: hath, at a word, he hath, believe me: Robert
096: Shallow, esquire, saith, he is wronged.

PAGE
097: Here comes Sir John.

Enter FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, NYM, and PISTOL

FALSTAFF
098: Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me to the king?

SHALLOW
099: Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and
100: broke open my lodge.

FALSTAFF
101: But not kissed your keeper's daughter?

SHALLOW
102: Tut, a pin! this shall be answered.

FALSTAFF
103: I will answer it straight; I have done all this.
104: That is now answered.

SHALLOW
105: The council shall know this.

FALSTAFF
106: 'Twere better for you if it were known in counsel:
107: you'll be laughed at.

SIR HUGH EVANS
108: Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts.

FALSTAFF
109: Good worts! good cabbage. Slender, I broke your
110: head: what matter have you against me?

SLENDER
111: Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you;
112: and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph,
113: Nym, and Pistol.

BARDOLPH
114: You Banbury cheese!

SLENDER
115: Ay, it is no matter.

PISTOL
116: How now, Mephostophilus!

SLENDER
117: Ay, it is no matter.

NYM
118: Slice, I say! pauca, pauca: slice! that's my humour.

SLENDER
119: Where's Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?

SIR HUGH EVANS
120: Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is
121: three umpires in this matter, as I understand; that
122: is, Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is
123: myself, fidelicet myself; and the three party is,
124: lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter.

PAGE
125: We three, to hear it and end it between them.

SIR HUGH EVANS
126: Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my note-
127: book; and we will afterwards ork upon the cause with
128: as great discreetly as we can.

FALSTAFF
129: Pistol!

PISTOL
130: He hears with ears.

SIR HUGH EVANS
131: The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, 'He
132: hears with ear'? why, it is affectations.

FALSTAFF
133: Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse?

SLENDER
134: Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I might
135: never come in mine own great chamber again else, of
136: seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward
137: shovel-boards, that cost me two shilling and two
138: pence apiece of Yead Miller, by these gloves.

FALSTAFF
139: Is this true, Pistol?

SIR HUGH EVANS
140: No; it is false, if it is a pick-purse.

PISTOL
141: Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! Sir John and Master mine,
142: I combat challenge of this latten bilbo.
143: Word of denial in thy labras here!
144: Word of denial: froth and scum, thou liest!

SLENDER
145: By these gloves, then, 'twas he.

NYM
146: Be avised, sir, and pass good humours: I will say
147: 'marry trap' with you, if you run the nuthook's
148: humour on me; that is the very note of it.

SLENDER
149: By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for
150: though I cannot remember what I did when you made me
151: drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.

FALSTAFF
152: What say you, Scarlet and John?

BARDOLPH
153: Why, sir, for my part I say the gentleman had drunk
154: himself out of his five sentences.

SIR HUGH EVANS
155: It is his five senses: fie, what the ignorance is!

BARDOLPH
156: And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered; and
157: so conclusions passed the careires.

SLENDER
158: Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis no
159: matter: I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again,
160: but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick:
161: if I be drunk, I'll be drunk with those that have
162: the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves.

SIR HUGH EVANS
163: So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind.

FALSTAFF
164: You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it.

Enter ANNE PAGE, with wine; MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE, following

PAGE
165: Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink within.

Exit ANNE PAGE

SLENDER
166: O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page.

PAGE
167: How now, Mistress Ford!

FALSTAFF
168: Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met:
169: by your leave, good mistress.

Kisses her

PAGE
170: Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a
171: hot venison pasty to dinner: come, gentlemen, I hope
172: we shall drink down all unkindness.

Exeunt all except SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS

SLENDER
173: I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of
174: Songs and Sonnets here.
[Enter SIMPLE]
175: How now, Simple! where have you been? I must wait
176: on myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles
177: about you, have you?

SIMPLE
178: Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to Alice
179: Shortcake upon All-hallowmas last, a fortnight
180: afore Michaelmas?

SHALLOW
181: Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word with
182: you, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as 'twere, a
183: tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh
184: here. Do you understand me?

SLENDER
185: Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so,
186: I shall do that that is reason.

SHALLOW
187: Nay, but understand me.

SLENDER
188: So I do, sir.

SIR HUGH EVANS
189: Give ear to his motions, Master Slender: I will
190: description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.

SLENDER
191: Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says: I pray
192: you, pardon me; he's a justice of peace in his
193: country, simple though I stand here.

SIR HUGH EVANS
194: But that is not the question: the question is
195: concerning your marriage.

SHALLOW
196: Ay, there's the point, sir.

SIR HUGH EVANS
197: Marry, is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne Page.

SLENDER
198: Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any
199: reasonable demands.

SIR HUGH EVANS
200: But can you affection the 'oman? Let us command to
201: know that of your mouth or of your lips; for divers
202: philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the
203: mouth. Therefore, precisely, can you carry your
204: good will to the maid?

SHALLOW
205: Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?

SLENDER
206: I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that
207: would do reason.

SIR HUGH EVANS
208: Nay, Got's lords and his ladies! you must speak
209: possitable, if you can carry her your desires
210: towards her.

SHALLOW
211: That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry her?

SLENDER
212: I will do a greater thing than that, upon your
213: request, cousin, in any reason.

SHALLOW
214: Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz: what I do
215: is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid?

SLENDER
216: I will marry her, sir, at your request: but if there
217: be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may
218: decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are
219: married and have more occasion to know one another;
220: I hope, upon familiarity will grow more contempt:
221: but if you say, 'Marry her,' I will marry her; that
222: I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely.

SIR HUGH EVANS
223: It is a fery discretion answer; save the fall is in
224: the ort 'dissolutely:' the ort is, according to our
225: meaning, 'resolutely:' his meaning is good.

SHALLOW
226: Ay, I think my cousin meant well.

SLENDER
227: Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la!

SHALLOW
228: Here comes fair Mistress Anne.
[Re-enter ANNE PAGE]
229: Would I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne!

ANNE PAGE
230: The dinner is on the table; my father desires your
231: worships' company.

SHALLOW
232: I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne.

SIR HUGH EVANS
233: Od's plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace.

Exeunt SHALLOW and SIR HUGH EVANS

ANNE PAGE
234: Will't please your worship to come in, sir?

SLENDER
235: No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well.

ANNE PAGE
236: The dinner attends you, sir.

SLENDER
237: I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go,
238: sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my
239: cousin Shallow.
[Exit SIMPLE]
240: A justice of peace sometimes may be beholding to his
241: friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy
242: yet, till my mother be dead: but what though? Yet I
243: live like a poor gentleman born.

ANNE PAGE
244: I may not go in without your worship: they will not
245: sit till you come.

SLENDER
246: I' faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much as
247: though I did.

ANNE PAGE
248: I pray you, sir, walk in.

SLENDER
249: I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised
250: my shin th' other day with playing at sword and
251: dagger with a master of fence; three veneys for a
252: dish of stewed prunes; and, by my troth, I cannot
253: abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your
254: dogs bark so? be there bears i' the town?

ANNE PAGE
255: I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of.

SLENDER
256: I love the sport well but I shall as soon quarrel at
257: it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see
258: the bear loose, are you not?

ANNE PAGE
259: Ay, indeed, sir.

SLENDER
260: That's meat and drink to me, now. I have seen
261: Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by
262: the chain; but, I warrant you, the women have so
263: cried and shrieked at it, that it passed: but women,
264: indeed, cannot abide 'em; they are very ill-favored
265: rough things.

Re-enter PAGE

PAGE
266: Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you.

SLENDER
267: I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.

PAGE
268: By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! come, come.

SLENDER
269: Nay, pray you, lead the way.

PAGE
270: Come on, sir.

SLENDER
271: Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.

ANNE PAGE
272: Not I, sir; pray you, keep on.

SLENDER
273: I'll rather be unmannerly than troublesome.
274: You do yourself wrong, indeed, la!

Exeunt

ACT I, SCENE II.

The same.

Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE

SIR HUGH EVANS
001: Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius' house which
002: is the way: and there dwells one Mistress Quickly,
003: which is in the manner of his nurse, or his dry
004: nurse, or his cook, or his laundry, his washer, and
005: his wringer.

SIMPLE
006: Well, sir.

SIR HUGH EVANS
007: Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter; for it
008: is a 'oman that altogether's acquaintance with
009: Mistress Anne Page: and the letter is, to desire
010: and require her to solicit your master's desires to
011: Mistress Anne Page. I pray you, be gone: I will
012: make an end of my dinner; there's pippins and cheese to come.

Exeunt

ACT I, SCENE III.

A room in the Garter Inn.

Enter FALSTAFF, Host, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, and ROBIN

FALSTAFF
001: Mine host of the Garter!

Host
002: What says my bully-rook? speak scholarly and wisely.

FALSTAFF
003: Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my
004: followers.

Host
005: Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag; trot, trot.

FALSTAFF
006: I sit at ten pounds a week.

Host
007: Thou'rt an emperor, Caesar, Keisar, and Pheezar. I
008: will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall
009: tap: said I well, bully Hector?

FALSTAFF
010: Do so, good mine host.

Host
011: I have spoke; let him follow.
[To BARDOLPH]
012: Let me see thee froth and lime: I am at a word; follow.

Exit

FALSTAFF
013: Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade:
014: an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered
015: serving-man a fresh tapster. Go; adieu.

BARDOLPH
016: It is a life that I have desired: I will thrive.

PISTOL
017: O base Hungarian wight! wilt thou the spigot wield?

Exit BARDOLPH

NYM
018: He was gotten in drink: is not the humour conceited?

FALSTAFF
019: I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox: his
020: thefts were too open; his filching was like an
021: unskilful singer; he kept not time.

NYM
022: The good humour is to steal at a minute's rest.

PISTOL
023: 'Convey,' the wise it call. 'Steal!' foh! a fico
024: for the phrase!

FALSTAFF
025: Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.

PISTOL
026: Why, then, let kibes ensue.

FALSTAFF
027: There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift.

PISTOL
028: Young ravens must have food.

FALSTAFF
029: Which of you know Ford of this town?

PISTOL
030: I ken the wight: he is of substance good.

FALSTAFF
031: My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.

PISTOL
032: Two yards, and more.

FALSTAFF
033: No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist two
034: yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about
035: thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's
036: wife: I spy entertainment in her; she discourses,
037: she carves, she gives the leer of invitation: I
038: can construe the action of her familiar style; and
039: the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished
040: rightly, is, 'I am Sir John Falstaff's.'

PISTOL
041: He hath studied her will, and translated her will,
042: out of honesty into English.

NYM
043: The anchor is deep: will that humour pass?

FALSTAFF
044: Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her
045: husband's purse: he hath a legion of angels.

PISTOL
046: As many devils entertain; and 'To her, boy,' say I.

NYM
047: The humour rises; it is good: humour me the angels.

FALSTAFF
048: I have writ me here a letter to her: and here
049: another to Page's wife, who even now gave me good
050: eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious
051: oeillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my
052: foot, sometimes my portly belly.

PISTOL
053: Then did the sun on dunghill shine.

NYM
054: I thank thee for that humour.

FALSTAFF
055: O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with such a
056: greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did
057: seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here's
058: another letter to her: she bears the purse too; she
059: is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will
060: be cheater to them both, and they shall be
061: exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West
062: Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou
063: this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to
064: Mistress Ford: we will thrive, lads, we will thrive.

PISTOL
065: Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
066: And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all!

NYM
067: I will run no base humour: here, take the
068: humour-letter: I will keep the havior of reputation.

FALSTAFF
069: [To ROBIN] Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;
070: Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.
071: Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go;
072: Trudge, plod away o' the hoof; seek shelter, pack!
073: Falstaff will learn the humour of the age,
074: French thrift, you rogues; myself and skirted page.

Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN

PISTOL
075: Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds,
076: And high and low beguiles the rich and poor:
077: Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
078: Base Phrygian Turk!

NYM
079: I have operations which be humours of revenge.

PISTOL
080: Wilt thou revenge?

NYM
081: By welkin and her star!

PISTOL
082: With wit or steel?

NYM
083: With both the humours, I:
084: I will discuss the humour of this love to Page.

PISTOL
085: And I to Ford shall eke unfold
086: How Falstaff, varlet vile,
087: His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
088: And his soft couch defile.

NYM
089: My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page to
090: deal with poison; I will possess him with
091: yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous:
092: that is my true humour.

PISTOL
093: Thou art the Mars of malecontents: I second thee; troop on.

Exeunt

ACT I, SCENE IV.

A room in DOCTOR CAIUS' house.

Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, SIMPLE, and RUGBY

MISTRESS QUICKLY
001: What, John Rugby! I pray thee, go to the casement,
002: and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor
003: Caius, coming. If he do, i' faith, and find any
004: body in the house, here will be an old abusing of
005: God's patience and the king's English.

RUGBY
006: I'll go watch.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
007: Go; and we'll have a posset for't soon at night, in
008: faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire.
[Exit RUGBY]
009: An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant
010: shall come in house withal, and, I warrant you, no
011: tell-tale nor no breed-bate: his worst fault is,
012: that he is given to prayer; he is something peevish
013: that way: but nobody but has his fault; but let
014: that pass. Peter Simple, you say your name is?

SIMPLE
015: Ay, for fault of a better.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
016: And Master Slender's your master?

SIMPLE
017: Ay, forsooth.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
018: Does he not wear a great round beard, like a
019: glover's paring-knife?

SIMPLE
020: No, forsooth: he hath but a little wee face, with a
021: little yellow beard, a Cain-coloured beard.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
022: A softly-sprighted man, is he not?

SIMPLE
023: Ay, forsooth: but he is as tall a man of his hands
024: as any is between this and his head; he hath fought
025: with a warrener.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
026: How say you? O, I should remember him: does he not
027: hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait?

SIMPLE
028: Yes, indeed, does he.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
029: Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune! Tell
030: Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your
031: master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish--

Re-enter RUGBY

RUGBY
032: Out, alas! here comes my master.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
033: We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young man;
034: go into this closet: he will not stay long.
[Shuts SIMPLE in the closet]
035: What, John Rugby! John! what, John, I say!
036: Go, John, go inquire for my master; I doubt
037: he be not well, that he comes not home.
[Singing]
038: And down, down, adown-a, &c.

Enter DOCTOR CAIUS

DOCTOR CAIUS
039: Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray you,
040: go and vetch me in my closet un boitier vert, a box,
041: a green-a box: do intend vat I speak? a green-a box.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
042: Ay, forsooth; I'll fetch it you.
[Aside]
043: I am glad he went not in himself: if he had found
044: the young man, he would have been horn-mad.

DOCTOR CAIUS
045: Fe, fe, fe, fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je
046: m'en vais a la cour--la grande affaire.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
047: Is it this, sir?

DOCTOR CAIUS
048: Oui; mette le au mon pocket: depeche, quickly. Vere
049: is dat knave Rugby?

MISTRESS QUICKLY
050: What, John Rugby! John!

RUGBY
051: Here, sir!

DOCTOR CAIUS
052: You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby. Come,
053: take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to the court.

RUGBY
054: 'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.

DOCTOR CAIUS
055: By my trot, I tarry too long. Od's me!
056: Qu'ai-j'oublie! dere is some simples in my closet,
057: dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
058: Ay me, he'll find the young man here, and be mad!

DOCTOR CAIUS
059: O diable, diable! vat is in my closet? Villain! larron!
[Pulling SIMPLE out]
060: Rugby, my rapier!

MISTRESS QUICKLY
061: Good master, be content.

DOCTOR CAIUS
062: Wherefore shall I be content-a?

MISTRESS QUICKLY
063: The young man is an honest man.

DOCTOR CAIUS
064: What shall de honest man do in my closet? dere is
065: no honest man dat shall come in my closet.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
066: I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic. Hear the truth
067: of it: he came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh.

DOCTOR CAIUS
068: Vell.

SIMPLE
069: Ay, forsooth; to desire her to--

MISTRESS QUICKLY
070: Peace, I pray you.

DOCTOR CAIUS
071: Peace-a your tongue. Speak-a your tale.

SIMPLE
072: To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to
073: speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my
074: master in the way of marriage.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
075: This is all, indeed, la! but I'll ne'er put my
076: finger in the fire, and need not.

DOCTOR CAIUS
077: Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, baille me some paper.
078: Tarry you a little-a while.

Writes

MISTRESS QUICKLY
079: [Aside to SIMPLE] I am glad he is so quiet: if he
080: had been thoroughly moved, you should have heard him
081: so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding,
082: man, I'll do you your master what good I can: and
083: the very yea and the no is, the French doctor, my
084: master,--I may call him my master, look you, for I
085: keep his house; and I wash, wring, brew, bake,
086: scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds and do
087: all myself,--

SIMPLE
088: [Aside to MISTRESS QUICKLY] 'Tis a great charge to
089: come under one body's hand.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
090: [Aside to SIMPLE] Are you avised o' that? you
091: shall find it a great charge: and to be up early
092: and down late; but notwithstanding,--to tell you in
093: your ear; I would have no words of it,--my master
094: himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page: but
095: notwithstanding that, I know Anne's mind,--that's
096: neither here nor there.

DOCTOR CAIUS
097: You jack'nape, give-a this letter to Sir Hugh; by
098: gar, it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in dee
099: park; and I will teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest
100: to meddle or make. You may be gone; it is not good
101: you tarry here. By gar, I will cut all his two
102: stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone to throw
103: at his dog:

Exit SIMPLE

MISTRESS QUICKLY
104: Alas, he speaks but for his friend.

DOCTOR CAIUS
105: It is no matter-a ver dat: do not you tell-a me
106: dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I
107: vill kill de Jack priest; and I have appointed mine
108: host of de Jarteer to measure our weapon. By gar, I
109: will myself have Anne Page.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
110: Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We
111: must give folks leave to prate: what, the good-jer!

DOCTOR CAIUS
112: Rugby, come to the court with me. By gar, if I have
113: not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my
114: door. Follow my heels, Rugby.

Exeunt DOCTOR CAIUS and RUGBY

MISTRESS QUICKLY
115: You shall have An fool's-head of your own. No, I
116: know Anne's mind for that: never a woman in Windsor
117: knows more of Anne's mind than I do; nor can do more
118: than I do with her, I thank heaven.

FENTON
119: [Within] Who's within there? ho!

MISTRESS QUICKLY
120: Who's there, I trow! Come near the house, I pray you.

Enter FENTON

FENTON
121: How now, good woman? how dost thou?

MISTRESS QUICKLY
122: The better that it pleases your good worship to ask.

FENTON
123: What news? how does pretty Mistress Anne?

MISTRESS QUICKLY
124: In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and
125: gentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell you
126: that by the way; I praise heaven for it.

FENTON
127: Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? shall I not lose my suit?

MISTRESS QUICKLY
128: Troth, sir, all is in his hands above: but
129: notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I'll be sworn on a
130: book, she loves you. Have not your worship a wart
131: above your eye?

FENTON
132: Yes, marry, have I; what of that?

MISTRESS QUICKLY
133: Well, thereby hangs a tale: good faith, it is such
134: another Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as ever
135: broke bread: we had an hour's talk of that wart. I
136: shall never laugh but in that maid's company! But
137: indeed she is given too much to allicholy and
138: musing: but for you--well, go to.

FENTON
139: Well, I shall see her to-day. Hold, there's money
140: for thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf: if
141: thou seest her before me, commend me.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
142: Will I? i'faith, that we will; and I will tell your
143: worship more of the wart the next time we have
144: confidence; and of other wooers.

FENTON
145: Well, farewell; I am in great haste now.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
146: Farewell to your worship.
[Exit FENTON]
147: Truly, an honest gentleman: but Anne loves him not;
148: for I know Anne's mind as well as another does. Out
149: upon't! what have I forgot?

Exit

ACT II, SCENE I.

Before PAGE'S house.

Enter MISTRESS PAGE, with a letter

MISTRESS PAGE
001: What, have I scaped love-letters in the holiday-
002: time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them?
003: Let me see.
[Reads]
004: 'Ask me no reason why I love you; for though
005: Love use Reason for his physician, he admits him
006: not for his counsellor. You are not young, no more
007: am I; go to then, there's sympathy: you are merry,
008: so am I; ha, ha! then there's more sympathy: you
009: love sack, and so do I; would you desire better
010: sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page,--at
011: the least, if the love of soldier can suffice,--
012: that I love thee. I will not say, pity me; 'tis
013: not a soldier-like phrase: but I say, love me. By me,
014: Thine own true knight,
015: By day or night,
016: Or any kind of light,
017: With all his might
018: For thee to fight, JOHN FALSTAFF'
019: What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked
020: world! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with
021: age to show himself a young gallant! What an
022: unweighed behavior hath this Flemish drunkard
023: picked--with the devil's name!--out of my
024: conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me?
025: Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! What
026: should I say to him? I was then frugal of my
027: mirth: Heaven forgive me! Why, I'll exhibit a bill
028: in the parliament for the putting down of men. How
029: shall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be,
030: as sure as his guts are made of puddings.

Enter MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD
031: Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house.

MISTRESS PAGE
032: And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look very
033: ill.

MISTRESS FORD
034: Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show to the contrary.

MISTRESS PAGE
035: Faith, but you do, in my mind.

MISTRESS FORD
036: Well, I do then; yet I say I could show you to the
037: contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some counsel!

MISTRESS PAGE
038: What's the matter, woman?

MISTRESS FORD
039: O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, I
040: could come to such honour!

MISTRESS PAGE
041: Hang the trifle, woman! take the honour. What is
042: it? dispense with trifles; what is it?

MISTRESS FORD
043: If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so,
044: I could be knighted.

MISTRESS PAGE
045: What? thou liest! Sir Alice Ford! These knights
046: will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter the
047: article of thy gentry.

MISTRESS FORD
048: We burn daylight: here, read, read; perceive how I
049: might be knighted. I shall think the worse of fat
050: men, as long as I have an eye to make difference of
051: men's liking: and yet he would not swear; praised
052: women's modesty; and gave such orderly and
053: well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that I
054: would have sworn his disposition would have gone to
055: the truth of his words; but they do no more adhere
056: and keep place together than the Hundredth Psalm to
057: the tune of 'Green Sleeves.' What tempest, I trow,
058: threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his
059: belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged
060: on him? I think the best way were to entertain him
061: with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted
062: him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?

MISTRESS PAGE
063: Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and
064: Ford differs! To thy great comfort in this mystery
065: of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy
066: letter: but let thine inherit first; for, I
067: protest, mine never shall. I warrant he hath a
068: thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for
069: different names--sure, more,--and these are of the
070: second edition: he will print them, out of doubt;
071: for he cares not what he puts into the press, when
072: he would put us two. I had rather be a giantess,
073: and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you
074: twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.

MISTRESS FORD
075: Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the very
076: words. What doth he think of us?

MISTRESS PAGE
077: Nay, I know not: it makes me almost ready to
078: wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain
079: myself like one that I am not acquainted withal;
080: for, sure, unless he know some strain in me, that I
081: know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.

MISTRESS FORD
082: 'Boarding,' call you it? I'll be sure to keep him
083: above deck.

MISTRESS PAGE
084: So will I if he come under my hatches, I'll never
085: to sea again. Let's be revenged on him: let's
086: appoint him a meeting; give him a show of comfort in
087: his suit and lead him on with a fine-baited delay,
088: till he hath pawned his horses to mine host of the Garter.

MISTRESS FORD
089: Nay, I will consent to act any villany against him,
090: that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O,
091: that my husband saw this letter! it would give
092: eternal food to his jealousy.

MISTRESS PAGE
093: Why, look where he comes; and my good man too: he's
094: as far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause;
095: and that I hope is an unmeasurable distance.

MISTRESS FORD
096: You are the happier woman.

MISTRESS PAGE
097: Let's consult together against this greasy knight.
098: Come hither.

They retire

Enter FORD with PISTOL, and PAGE with NYM

FORD
099: Well, I hope it be not so.

PISTOL
100: Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs:
101: Sir John affects thy wife.

FORD
102: Why, sir, my wife is not young.

PISTOL
103: He wooes both high and low, both rich and poor,
104: Both young and old, one with another, Ford;
105: He loves the gallimaufry: Ford, perpend.

FORD
106: Love my wife!

PISTOL
107: With liver burning hot. Prevent, or go thou,
108: Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels:
109: O, odious is the name!

FORD
110: What name, sir?

PISTOL
111: The horn, I say. Farewell.
112: Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night:
113: Take heed, ere summer comes or cuckoo-birds do sing.
114: Away, Sir Corporal Nym!
115: Believe it, Page; he speaks sense.

Exit

FORD
116: [Aside] I will be patient; I will find out this.

NYM
117: [To PAGE] And this is true; I like not the humour
118: of lying. He hath wronged me in some humours: I
119: should have borne the humoured letter to her; but I
120: have a sword and it shall bite upon my necessity.
121: He loves your wife; there's the short and the long.
122: My name is Corporal Nym; I speak and I avouch; 'tis
123: true: my name is Nym and Falstaff loves your wife.
124: Adieu. I love not the humour of bread and cheese,
125: and there's the humour of it. Adieu.

Exit

PAGE
126: 'The humour of it,' quoth a'! here's a fellow
127: frights English out of his wits.

FORD
128: I will seek out Falstaff.

PAGE
129: I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.

FORD
130: If I do find it: well.

PAGE
131: I will not believe such a Cataian, though the priest
132: o' the town commended him for a true man.

FORD
133: 'Twas a good sensible fellow: well.

PAGE
134: How now, Meg!

MISTRESS PAGE and MISTRESS FORD come forward

MISTRESS PAGE
135: Whither go you, George? Hark you.

MISTRESS FORD
136: How now, sweet Frank! why art thou melancholy?

FORD
137: I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home, go.

MISTRESS FORD
138: Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head. Now,
139: will you go, Mistress Page?

MISTRESS PAGE
140: Have with you. You'll come to dinner, George.
[Aside to MISTRESS FORD]
141: Look who comes yonder: she shall be our messenger
142: to this paltry knight.

MISTRESS FORD
143: [Aside to MISTRESS PAGE] Trust me, I thought on her:
144: she'll fit it.

Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS PAGE
145: You are come to see my daughter Anne?

MISTRESS QUICKLY
146: Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne?

MISTRESS PAGE
147: Go in with us and see: we have an hour's talk with
148: you.

Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and MISTRESS QUICKLY

PAGE
149: How now, Master Ford!

FORD
150: You heard what this knave told me, did you not?

PAGE
151: Yes: and you heard what the other told me?

FORD
152: Do you think there is truth in them?

PAGE
153: Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight would
154: offer it: but these that accuse him in his intent
155: towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded men;
156: very rogues, now they be out of service.

FORD
157: Were they his men?

PAGE
158: Marry, were they.

FORD
159: I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at
160: the Garter?

PAGE
161: Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage
162: towards my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and
163: what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it
164: lie on my head.

FORD
165: I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to
166: turn them together. A man may be too confident: I
167: would have nothing lie on my head: I cannot be thus satisfied.

PAGE
168: Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes:
169: there is either liquor in his pate or money in his
170: purse when he looks so merrily.
[Enter Host]
171: How now, mine host!

Host
172: How now, bully-rook! thou'rt a gentleman.
173: Cavaleiro-justice, I say!

Enter SHALLOW

SHALLOW
174: I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and
175: twenty, good Master Page! Master Page, will you go
176: with us? we have sport in hand.

Host
177: Tell him, cavaleiro-justice; tell him, bully-rook.

SHALLOW
178: Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh
179: the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.

FORD
180: Good mine host o' the Garter, a word with you.

Drawing him aside

Host
181: What sayest thou, my bully-rook?

SHALLOW
182: [To PAGE] Will you go with us to behold it? My
183: merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons;
184: and, I think, hath appointed them contrary places;
185: for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester.
186: Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.

They converse apart

Host
187: Hast thou no suit against my knight, my
188: guest-cavaleire?

FORD
189: None, I protest: but I'll give you a pottle of
190: burnt sack to give me recourse to him and tell him
191: my name is Brook; only for a jest.

Host
192: My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress;
193: --said I well?--and thy name shall be Brook. It is
194: a merry knight. Will you go, An-heires?

SHALLOW
195: Have with you, mine host.

PAGE
196: I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in
197: his rapier.

SHALLOW
198: Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these times
199: you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and
200: I know not what: 'tis the heart, Master Page; 'tis
201: here, 'tis here. I have seen the time, with my long
202: sword I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.

Host
203: Here, boys, here, here! shall we wag?

PAGE
204: Have with you. I would rather hear them scold than fight.

Exeunt Host, SHALLOW, and PAGE

FORD
205: Though Page be a secure fool, an stands so firmly
206: on his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my
207: opinion so easily: she was in his company at Page's
208: house; and what they made there, I know not. Well,
209: I will look further into't: and I have a disguise
210: to sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not
211: my labour; if she be otherwise, 'tis labour well bestowed.

Exit

ACT II, SCENE II.

A room in the Garter Inn.

Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL

FALSTAFF
001: I will not lend thee a penny.

PISTOL
002: Why, then the world's mine oyster.
003: Which I with sword will open.

FALSTAFF
004: Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should
005: lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon my
006: good friends for three reprieves for you and your
007: coach-fellow Nym; or else you had looked through
008: the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned in
009: hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends, you were
010: good soldiers and tall fellows; and when Mistress
011: Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't upon
012: mine honour thou hadst it not.

PISTOL
013: Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteen pence?

FALSTAFF
014: Reason, you rogue, reason: thinkest thou I'll
015: endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more
016: about me, I am no gibbet for you. Go. A short knife
017: and a throng! To your manor of Pickt-hatch! Go.
018: You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue! you
019: stand upon your honour! Why, thou unconfinable
020: baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the
021: terms of my honour precise: I, I, I myself
022: sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand
023: and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to
024: shuffle, to hedge and to lurch; and yet you, rogue,
025: will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain
026: looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your
027: bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your
028: honour! You will not do it, you!

PISTOL
029: I do relent: what would thou more of man?

Enter ROBIN

ROBIN
030: Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.

FALSTAFF
031: Let her approach.

Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY
032: Give your worship good morrow.

FALSTAFF
033: Good morrow, good wife.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
034: Not so, an't please your worship.

FALSTAFF
035: Good maid, then.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
036: I'll be sworn,
037: As my mother was, the first hour I was born.

FALSTAFF
038: I do believe the swearer. What with me?

MISTRESS QUICKLY
039: Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?

FALSTAFF
040: Two thousand, fair woman: and I'll vouchsafe thee
041: the hearing.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
042: There is one Mistress Ford, sir:--I pray, come a
043: little nearer this ways:--I myself dwell with master
044: Doctor Caius,--

FALSTAFF
045: Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,--

MISTRESS QUICKLY
046: Your worship says very true: I pray your worship,
047: come a little nearer this ways.

FALSTAFF
048: I warrant thee, nobody hears; mine own people, mine
049: own people.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
050: Are they so? God bless them and make them his servants!

FALSTAFF
051: Well, Mistress Ford; what of her?

MISTRESS QUICKLY
052: Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord Lord! your
053: worship's a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you and all
054: of us, I pray!

FALSTAFF
055: Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford,--

MISTRESS QUICKLY
056: Marry, this is the short and the long of it; you
057: have brought her into such a canaries as 'tis
058: wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the
059: court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her
060: to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and
061: lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I warrant
062: you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift
063: after gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and so
064: rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in
065: such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of
066: the best and the fairest, that would have won any
067: woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could never
068: get an eye-wink of her: I had myself twenty angels
069: given me this morning; but I defy all angels, in
070: any such sort, as they say, but in the way of
071: honesty: and, I warrant you, they could never get
072: her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of
073: them all: and yet there has been earls, nay, which
074: is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her.

FALSTAFF
075: But what says she to me? be brief, my good
076: she-Mercury.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
077: Marry, she hath received your letter, for the which
078: she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you
079: to notify that her husband will be absence from his
080: house between ten and eleven.

FALSTAFF
081: Ten and eleven?

MISTRESS QUICKLY
082: Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the
083: picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford,
084: her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet
085: woman leads an ill life with him: he's a very
086: jealousy man: she leads a very frampold life with
087: him, good heart.

FALSTAFF
088: Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will
089: not fail her.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
090: Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to
091: your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty
092: commendations to you too: and let me tell you in
093: your ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife, and
094: one, I tell you, that will not miss you morning nor
095: evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the
096: other: and she bade me tell your worship that her
097: husband is seldom from home; but she hopes there
098: will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon
099: a man: surely I think you have charms, la; yes, in truth.

FALSTAFF
100: Not I, I assure thee: setting the attractions of my
101: good parts aside I have no other charms.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
102: Blessing on your heart for't!

FALSTAFF
103: But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife and
104: Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me?

MISTRESS QUICKLY
105: That were a jest indeed! they have not so little
106: grace, I hope: that were a trick indeed! but
107: Mistress Page would desire you to send her your
108: little page, of all loves: her husband has a
109: marvellous infection to the little page; and truly
110: Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in
111: Windsor leads a better life than she does: do what
112: she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go
113: to bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as
114: she will: and truly she deserves it; for if there
115: be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must
116: send her your page; no remedy.

FALSTAFF
117: Why, I will.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
118: Nay, but do so, then: and, look you, he may come and
119: go between you both; and in any case have a
120: nay-word, that you may know one another's mind, and
121: the boy never need to understand any thing; for
122: 'tis not good that children should know any
123: wickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion,
124: as they say, and know the world.

FALSTAFF
125: Fare thee well: commend me to them both: there's
126: my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with
127: this woman.
[Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY and ROBIN]
128: This news distracts me!

PISTOL
129: This punk is one of Cupid's carriers:
130: Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights:
131: Give fire: she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!

Exit

FALSTAFF
132: Sayest thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll make
133: more of thy old body than I have done. Will they
134: yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense
135: of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I
136: thank thee. Let them say 'tis grossly done; so it be
137: fairly done, no matter.

Enter BARDOLPH

BARDOLPH
138: Sir John, there's one Master Brook below would fain
139: speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and hath
140: sent your worship a morning's draught of sack.

FALSTAFF
141: Brook is his name?

BARDOLPH
142: Ay, sir.

FALSTAFF
143: Call him in.
[Exit BARDOLPH]
144: Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o'erflow such
145: liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress Ford and Mistress Page
146: have I encompassed you? go to; via!

Re-enter BARDOLPH, with FORD disguised

FORD
147: Bless you, sir!

FALSTAFF
148: And you, sir! Would you speak with me?

FORD
149: I make bold to press with so little preparation upon
150: you.

FALSTAFF
151: You're welcome. What's your will? Give us leave, drawer.

Exit BARDOLPH

FORD
152: Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my name is Brook.

FALSTAFF
153: Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you.

FORD
154: Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you;
155: for I must let you understand I think myself in
156: better plight for a lender than you are: the which
157: hath something embolden'd me to this unseasoned
158: intrusion; for they say, if money go before, all
159: ways do lie open.

FALSTAFF
160: Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.

FORD
161: Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me:
162: if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or
163: half, for easing me of the carriage.

FALSTAFF
164: Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.

FORD
165: I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.

FALSTAFF
166: Speak, good Master Brook: I shall be glad to be
167: your servant.

FORD
168: Sir, I hear you are a scholar,--I will be brief
169: with you,--and you have been a man long known to me,
170: though I had never so good means, as desire, to make
171: myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a
172: thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine
173: own imperfection: but, good Sir John, as you have
174: one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded,
175: turn another into the register of your own; that I
176: may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you
177: yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender.

FALSTAFF
178: Very well, sir; proceed.

FORD
179: There is a gentlewoman in this town; her husband's
180: name is Ford.

FALSTAFF
181: Well, sir.

FORD
182: I have long loved her, and, I protest to you,
183: bestowed much on her; followed her with a doting
184: observance; engrossed opportunities to meet her;
185: fee'd every slight occasion that could but niggardly
186: give me sight of her; not only bought many presents
187: to give her, but have given largely to many to know
188: what she would have given; briefly, I have pursued
189: her as love hath pursued me; which hath been on the
190: wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have
191: merited, either in my mind or, in my means, meed,
192: I am sure, I have received none; unless experience
193: be a jewel that I have purchased at an infinite
194: rate, and that hath taught me to say this:
195: 'Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues;
196: Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.'

FALSTAFF
197: Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands?

FORD
198: Never.

FALSTAFF
199: Have you importuned her to such a purpose?

FORD
200: Never.

FALSTAFF
201: Of what quality was your love, then?

FORD
202: Like a fair house built on another man's ground; so
203: that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place
204: where I erected it.

FALSTAFF
205: To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?

FORD
206: When I have told you that, I have told you all.
207: Some say, that though she appear honest to me, yet in
208: other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that
209: there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir
210: John, here is the heart of my purpose: you are a
211: gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable
212: discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your
213: place and person, generally allowed for your many
214: war-like, court-like, and learned preparations.

FALSTAFF
215: O, sir!

FORD
216: Believe it, for you know it. There is money; spend
217: it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only
218: give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as
219: to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this
220: Ford's wife: use your art of wooing; win her to
221: consent to you: if any man may, you may as soon as
222: any.

FALSTAFF
223: Would it apply well to the vehemency of your
224: affection, that I should win what you would enjoy?
225: Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.

FORD
226: O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on
227: the excellency of her honour, that the folly of my
228: soul dares not present itself: she is too bright to
229: be looked against. Now, could I could come to her
230: with any detection in my hand, my desires had
231: instance and argument to commend themselves: I
232: could drive her then from the ward of her purity,
233: her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand
234: other her defences, which now are too too strongly
235: embattled against me. What say you to't, Sir John?

FALSTAFF
236: Master Brook, I will first make bold with your
237: money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a
238: gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife.

FORD
239: O good sir!

FALSTAFF
240: I say you shall.

FORD
241: Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none.

FALSTAFF
242: Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall want
243: none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her
244: own appointment; even as you came in to me, her
245: assistant or go-between parted from me: I say I
246: shall be with her between ten and eleven; for at
247: that time the jealous rascally knave her husband
248: will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall
249: know how I speed.

FORD
250: I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford,
251: sir?

FALSTAFF
252: Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not:
253: yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the
254: jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the
255: which his wife seems to me well-favored. I will
256: use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer;
257: and there's my harvest-home.

FORD
258: I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him
259: if you saw him.

FALSTAFF
260: Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will
261: stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my
262: cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o'er the
263: cuckold's horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I
264: will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt
265: lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night.
266: Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his style;
267: thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and
268: cuckold. Come to me soon at night.

Exit

FORD
269: What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is
270: ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is
271: improvident jealousy? my wife hath sent to him; the
272: hour is fixed; the match is made. Would any man
273: have thought this? See the hell of having a false
274: woman! My bed shall be abused, my coffers
275: ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not
276: only receive this villanous wrong, but stand under
277: the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that
278: does me this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds
279: well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are
280: devils' additions, the names of fiends: but
281: Cuckold! Wittol!--Cuckold! the devil himself hath
282: not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass: he
283: will trust his wife; he will not be jealous. I will
284: rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh
285: the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my
286: aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling
287: gelding, than my wife with herself; then she plots,
288: then she ruminates, then she devises; and what they
289: think in their hearts they may effect, they will
290: break their hearts but they will effect. God be
291: praised for my jealousy! Eleven o'clock the hour.
292: I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on
293: Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it;
294: better three hours too soon than a minute too late.
295: Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!

Exit

ACT II, SCENE III.

A field near Windsor.

Enter DOCTOR CAIUS and RUGBY

DOCTOR CAIUS
001: Jack Rugby!

RUGBY
002: Sir?

DOCTOR CAIUS
003: Vat is de clock, Jack?

RUGBY
004: 'Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to meet.

DOCTOR CAIUS
005: By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come; he
006: has pray his Pible well, dat he is no come: by gar,
007: Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come.

RUGBY
008: He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would kill
009: him, if he came.

DOCTOR CAIUS
010: By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him.
011: Take your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him.

RUGBY
012: Alas, sir, I cannot fence.

DOCTOR CAIUS
013: Villany, take your rapier.

RUGBY
014: Forbear; here's company.

Enter Host, SHALLOW, SLENDER, and PAGE

Host
015: Bless thee, bully doctor!

SHALLOW
016: Save you, Master Doctor Caius!

PAGE
017: Now, good master doctor!

SLENDER
018: Give you good morrow, sir.

DOCTOR CAIUS
019: Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?

Host
020: To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee
021: traverse; to see thee here, to see thee there; to
022: see thee pass thy punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy
023: distance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? is
024: he dead, my Francisco? ha, bully! What says my
025: AEsculapius? my Galen? my heart of elder? ha! is
026: he dead, bully stale? is he dead?

DOCTOR CAIUS
027: By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de vorld; he
028: is not show his face.

Host
029: Thou art a Castalion-King-Urinal. Hector of Greece, my boy!

DOCTOR CAIUS
030: I pray you, bear vitness that me have stay six or
031: seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come.

SHALLOW
032: He is the wiser man, master doctor: he is a curer of
033: souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you should
034: fight, you go against the hair of your professions.
035: Is it not true, Master Page?

PAGE
036: Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great
037: fighter, though now a man of peace.

SHALLOW
038: Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old and of
039: the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to
040: make one. Though we are justices and doctors and
041: churchmen, Master Page, we have some salt of our
042: youth in us; we are the sons of women, Master Page.

PAGE
043: 'Tis true, Master Shallow.

SHALLOW
044: It will be found so, Master Page. Master Doctor
045: Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am sworn of
046: the peace: you have showed yourself a wise
047: physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise
048: and patient churchman. You must go with me, master doctor.

Host
049: Pardon, guest-justice. A word, Mounseur Mockwater.

DOCTOR CAIUS
050: Mock-vater! vat is dat?

Host
051: Mock-water, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.

DOCTOR CAIUS
052: By gar, den, I have as mush mock-vater as de
053: Englishman. Scurvy jack-dog priest! by gar, me
054: vill cut his ears.

Host
055: He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.

DOCTOR CAIUS
056: Clapper-de-claw! vat is dat?

Host
057: That is, he will make thee amends.

DOCTOR CAIUS
058: By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me;
059: for, by gar, me vill have it.

Host
060: And I will provoke him to't, or let him wag.

DOCTOR CAIUS
061: Me tank you for dat.

Host
062: And, moreover, bully,--but first, master guest, and
063: Master Page, and eke Cavaleiro Slender, go you
064: through the town to Frogmore.

Aside to them

PAGE
065: Sir Hugh is there, is he?

Host
066: He is there: see what humour he is in; and I will
067: bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well?

SHALLOW
068: We will do it.

PAGE, SHALLOW, SLENDER
069: Adieu, good master doctor.

Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER

DOCTOR CAIUS
070: By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for a
071: jack-an-ape to Anne Page.

Host
072: Let him die: sheathe thy impatience, throw cold
073: water on thy choler: go about the fields with me
074: through Frogmore: I will bring thee where Mistress
075: Anne Page is, at a farm-house a-feasting; and thou
076: shalt woo her. Cried I aim? said I well?

DOCTOR CAIUS
077: By gar, me dank you for dat: by gar, I love you;
078: and I shall procure-a you de good guest, de earl,
079: de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.

Host
080: For the which I will be thy adversary toward Anne
081: Page. Said I well?

DOCTOR CAIUS
082: By gar, 'tis good; vell said.

Host
083: Let us wag, then.

DOCTOR CAIUS
084: Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.

Exeunt

ACT III, SCENE I.

A field near Frogmore.

Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE

SIR HUGH EVANS
001: I pray you now, good master Slender's serving-man,
002: and friend Simple by your name, which way have you
003: looked for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of physic?

SIMPLE
004: Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward, every
005: way; old Windsor way, and every way but the town
006: way.

SIR HUGH EVANS
007: I most fehemently desire you you will also look that
008: way.

SIMPLE
009: I will, sir.

Exit

SIR HUGH EVANS
010: 'Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, and
011: trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have
012: deceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knog
013: his urinals about his knave's costard when I have
014: good opportunities for the ork. 'Pless my soul!
[Sings]
015: To shallow rivers, to whose falls
016: Melodious birds sings madrigals;
017: There will we make our peds of roses,
018: And a thousand fragrant posies.
019: To shallow--
020: Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.
[Sings]
021: Melodious birds sing madrigals--
022: When as I sat in Pabylon--
023: And a thousand vagram posies.
024: To shallow &c.

Re-enter SIMPLE

SIMPLE
025: Yonder he is coming, this way, Sir Hugh.

SIR HUGH EVANS
026: He's welcome.
[Sings]
027: To shallow rivers, to whose falls-
028: Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?

SIMPLE
029: No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master
030: Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over
031: the stile, this way.

SIR HUGH EVANS
032: Pray you, give me my gown; or else keep it in your arms.

Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER

SHALLOW
033: How now, master Parson! Good morrow, good Sir Hugh.
034: Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student
035: from his book, and it is wonderful.

SLENDER
036: [Aside] Ah, sweet Anne Page!

PAGE
037: 'Save you, good Sir Hugh!

SIR HUGH EVANS
038: 'Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!

SHALLOW
039: What, the sword and the word! do you study them
040: both, master parson?

PAGE
041: And youthful still! in your doublet and hose this
042: raw rheumatic day!

SIR HUGH EVANS
043: There is reasons and causes for it.

PAGE
044: We are come to you to do a good office, master parson.

SIR HUGH EVANS
045: Fery well: what is it?

PAGE
046: Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike
047: having received wrong by some person, is at most
048: odds with his own gravity and patience that ever you
049: saw.

SHALLOW
050: I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never
051: heard a man of his place, gravity and learning, so
052: wide of his own respect.

SIR HUGH EVANS
053: What is he?

PAGE
054: I think you know him; Master Doctor Caius, the
055: renowned French physician.

SIR HUGH EVANS
056: Got's will, and his passion of my heart! I had as
057: lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.

PAGE
058: Why?

SIR HUGH EVANS
059: He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and Galen,
060: --and he is a knave besides; a cowardly knave as you
061: would desires to be acquainted withal.

PAGE
062: I warrant you, he's the man should fight with him.

SHALLOW
063: [Aside] O sweet Anne Page!

SHALLOW
064: It appears so by his weapons. Keep them asunder:
065: here comes Doctor Caius.

Enter Host, DOCTOR CAIUS, and RUGBY

PAGE
066: Nay, good master parson, keep in your weapon.

SHALLOW
067: So do you, good master doctor.

Host
068: Disarm them, and let them question: let them keep
069: their limbs whole and hack our English.

DOCTOR CAIUS
070: I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear.
071: Vherefore vill you not meet-a me?

SIR HUGH EVANS
072: [Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS] Pray you, use your patience:
073: in good time.

DOCTOR CAIUS
074: By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.

SIR HUGH EVANS
075: [Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS] Pray you let us not be
076: laughing-stocks to other men's humours; I desire you
077: in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends.
[Aloud]
078: I will knog your urinals about your knave's cockscomb
079: for missing your meetings and appointments.

DOCTOR CAIUS
080: Diable! Jack Rugby,--mine host de Jarteer,--have I
081: not stay for him to kill him? have I not, at de place
082: I did appoint?

SIR HUGH EVANS
083: As I am a Christians soul now, look you, this is the
084: place appointed: I'll be judgement by mine host of
085: the Garter.

Host
086: Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh,
087: soul-curer and body-curer!

DOCTOR CAIUS
088: Ay, dat is very good; excellent.

Host
089: Peace, I say! hear mine host of the Garter. Am I
090: politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I
091: lose my doctor? no; he gives me the potions and the
092: motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir
093: Hugh? no; he gives me the proverbs and the
094: no-verbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so. Give me
095: thy hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I have
096: deceived you both; I have directed you to wrong
097: places: your hearts are mighty, your skins are
098: whole, and let burnt sack be the issue. Come, lay
099: their swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace;
100: follow, follow, follow.

SHALLOW
101: Trust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen, follow.

SLENDER
102: [Aside] O sweet Anne Page!

Exeunt SHALLOW, SLENDER, PAGE, and Host

DOCTOR CAIUS
103: Ha, do I perceive dat? have you make-a de sot of
104: us, ha, ha?

SIR HUGH EVANS
105: This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. I
106: desire you that we may be friends; and let us knog
107: our prains together to be revenge on this same
108: scall, scurvy cogging companion, the host of the Garter.

DOCTOR CAIUS
109: By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me
110: where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too.

SIR HUGH EVANS
111: Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you, follow.

Exeunt

ACT III, SCENE II.

A street.

Enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN

MISTRESS PAGE
001: Nay, keep your way, little gallant; you were wont to
002: be a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether
003: had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master's heels?

ROBIN
004: I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man
005: than follow him like a dwarf.

MISTRESS PAGE
006: O, you are a flattering boy: now I see you'll be a courtier.

Enter FORD

FORD
007: Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?

MISTRESS PAGE
008: Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home?

FORD
009: Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for want
010: of company. I think, if your husbands were dead,
011: you two would marry.

MISTRESS PAGE
012: Be sure of that,--two other husbands.

FORD
013: Where had you this pretty weather-cock?

MISTRESS PAGE
014: I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my
015: husband had him of. What do you call your knight's
016: name, sirrah?

ROBIN
017: Sir John Falstaff.

FORD
018: Sir John Falstaff!

MISTRESS PAGE
019: He, he; I can never hit on's name. There is such a
020: league between my good man and he! Is your wife at
021: home indeed?

FORD
022: Indeed she is.

MISTRESS PAGE
023: By your leave, sir: I am sick till I see her.

Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN

FORD
024: Has Page any brains? hath he any eyes? hath he any
025: thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them.
026: Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile, as
027: easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve
028: score. He pieces out his wife's inclination; he
029: gives her folly motion and advantage: and now she's
030: going to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her. A
031: man may hear this shower sing in the wind. And
032: Falstaff's boy with her! Good plots, they are laid;
033: and our revolted wives share damnation together.
034: Well; I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck
035: the borrowed veil of modesty from the so seeming
036: Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure and
037: wilful Actaeon; and to these violent proceedings all
038: my neighbours shall cry aim.
[Clock heard]
039: The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me
040: search: there I shall find Falstaff: I shall be
041: rather praised for this than mocked; for it is as
042: positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is
043: there: I will go.

Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, SLENDER, Host, SIR HUGH EVANS, DOCTOR CAIUS, and RUGBY

SHALLOW, PAGE
044: Well met, Master Ford.
045: &c.

FORD
046: Trust me, a good knot: I have good cheer at home;
047: and I pray you all go with me.

SHALLOW
048: I must excuse myself, Master Ford.

SLENDER
049: And so must I, sir: we have appointed to dine with
050: Mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for
051: more money than I'll speak of.

SHALLOW
052: We have lingered about a match between Anne Page and
053: my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our answer.

SLENDER
054: I hope I have your good will, father Page.

PAGE
055: You have, Master Slender; I stand wholly for you:
056: but my wife, master doctor, is for you altogether.

DOCTOR CAIUS
057: Ay, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me: my nursh-a
058: Quickly tell me so mush.

Host
059: What say you to young Master Fenton? he capers, he
060: dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he
061: speaks holiday, he smells April and May: he will
062: carry't, he will carry't; 'tis in his buttons; he
063: will carry't.

PAGE
064: Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is
065: of no having: he kept company with the wild prince
066: and Poins; he is of too high a region; he knows too
067: much. No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes
068: with the finger of my substance: if he take her,
069: let him take her simply; the wealth I have waits on
070: my consent, and my consent goes not that way.

FORD
071: I beseech you heartily, some of you go home with me
072: to dinner: besides your cheer, you shall have
073: sport; I will show you a monster. Master doctor,
074: you shall go; so shall you, Master Page; and you, Sir Hugh.

SHALLOW
075: Well, fare you well: we shall have the freer wooing
076: at Master Page's.

Exeunt SHALLOW, and SLENDER

DOCTOR CAIUS
077: Go home, John Rugby; I come anon.

Exit RUGBY

Host
078: Farewell, my hearts: I will to my honest knight
079: Falstaff, and drink canary with him.

Exit

FORD
080: [Aside] I think I shall drink in pipe wine first
081: with him; I'll make him dance. Will you go, gentles?

All
082: Have with you to see this monster.

Exeunt

ACT III, SCENE III.

A room in FORD'S house.

Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS FORD
001: What, John! What, Robert!

MISTRESS PAGE
002: Quickly, quickly! is the buck-basket--

MISTRESS FORD
003: I warrant. What, Robin, I say!

Enter Servants with a basket

MISTRESS PAGE
004: Come, come, come.

MISTRESS FORD
005: Here, set it down.

MISTRESS PAGE
006: Give your men the charge; we must be brief.

MISTRESS FORD
007: Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be
008: ready here hard by in the brew-house: and when I
009: suddenly call you, come forth, and without any pause
010: or staggering take this basket on your shoulders:
011: that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry
012: it among the whitsters in Datchet-mead, and there
013: empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side.

MISTRESS PAGE
014: You will do it?

MISTRESS FORD
015: I ha' told them over and over; they lack no
016: direction. Be gone, and come when you are called.

Exeunt Servants

MISTRESS PAGE
017: Here comes little Robin.

Enter ROBIN

MISTRESS FORD
018: How now, my eyas-musket! what news with you?

ROBIN
019: My master, Sir John, is come in at your back-door,
020: Mistress Ford, and requests your company.

MISTRESS PAGE
021: You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us?

ROBIN
022: Ay, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of your
023: being here and hath threatened to put me into
024: everlasting liberty if I tell you of it; for he
025: swears he'll turn me away.

MISTRESS PAGE
026: Thou'rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine shall be
027: a tailor to thee and shall make thee a new doublet
028: and hose. I'll go hide me.

MISTRESS FORD
029: Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone.
[Exit ROBIN]
030: Mistress Page, remember you your cue.

MISTRESS PAGE
031: I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me.

Exit

MISTRESS FORD
032: Go to, then: we'll use this unwholesome humidity,
033: this gross watery pumpion; we'll teach him to know
034: turtles from jays.

Enter FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF
035: Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now let
036: me die, for I have lived long enough: this is the
037: period of my ambition: O this blessed hour!

MISTRESS FORD
038: O sweet Sir John!

FALSTAFF
039: Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate,
040: Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would
041: thy husband were dead: I'll speak it before the
042: best lord; I would make thee my lady.

MISTRESS FORD
043: I your lady, Sir John! alas, I should be a pitiful lady!

FALSTAFF
044: Let the court of France show me such another. I see
045: how thine eye would emulate the diamond: thou hast
046: the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the
047: ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of
048: Venetian admittance.

MISTRESS FORD
049: A plain kerchief, Sir John: my brows become nothing
050: else; nor that well neither.

FALSTAFF
051: By the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so: thou
052: wouldst make an absolute courtier; and the firm
053: fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion
054: to thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale. I see
055: what thou wert, if Fortune thy foe were not, Nature
056: thy friend. Come, thou canst not hide it.

MISTRESS FORD
057: Believe me, there is no such thing in me.

FALSTAFF
058: What made me love thee? let that persuade thee
059: there's something extraordinary in thee. Come, I
060: cannot cog and say thou art this and that, like a
061: many of these lisping hawthorn-buds, that come like
062: women in men's apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury
063: in simple time; I cannot: but I love thee; none
064: but thee; and thou deservest it.

MISTRESS FORD
065: Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page.

FALSTAFF
066: Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the
067: Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek
068: of a lime-kiln.

MISTRESS FORD
069: Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall one
070: day find it.

FALSTAFF
071: Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it.

MISTRESS FORD
072: Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could not
073: be in that mind.

ROBIN
074: [Within] Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! here's
075: Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and
076: looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.

FALSTAFF
077: She shall not see me: I will ensconce me behind the arras.

MISTRESS FORD
078: Pray you, do so: she's a very tattling woman.
[FALSTAFF hides himself]
[Re-enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN]
079: What's the matter? how now!

MISTRESS PAGE
080: O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You're shamed,
081: you're overthrown, you're undone for ever!

MISTRESS FORD
082: What's the matter, good Mistress Page?

MISTRESS PAGE
083: O well-a-day, Mistress Ford! having an honest man
084: to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!

MISTRESS FORD
085: What cause of suspicion?

MISTRESS PAGE
086: What cause of suspicion! Out pon you! how am I
087: mistook in you!

MISTRESS FORD
088: Why, alas, what's the matter?

MISTRESS PAGE
089: Your husband's coming hither, woman, with all the
090: officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that
091: he says is here now in the house by your consent, to
092: take an ill advantage of his assence: you are undone.

MISTRESS FORD
093: 'Tis not so, I hope.

MISTRESS PAGE
094: Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a man
095: here! but 'tis most certain your husband's coming,
096: with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a
097: one. I come before to tell you. If you know
098: yourself clear, why, I am glad of it; but if you
099: have a friend here convey, convey him out. Be not
100: amazed; call all your senses to you; defend your
101: reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever.

MISTRESS FORD
102: What shall I do? There is a gentleman my dear
103: friend; and I fear not mine own shame so much as his
104: peril: I had rather than a thousand pound he were
105: out of the house.

MISTRESS PAGE
106: For shame! never stand 'you had rather' and 'you
107: had rather:' your husband's here at hand, bethink
108: you of some conveyance: in the house you cannot
109: hide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look, here
110: is a basket: if he be of any reasonable stature, he
111: may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him, as
112: if it were going to bucking: or--it is whiting-time
113: --send him by your two men to Datchet-mead.

MISTRESS FORD
114: He's too big to go in there. What shall I do?

FALSTAFF
115: [Coming forward] Let me see't, let me see't, O, let
116: me see't! I'll in, I'll in. Follow your friend's
117: counsel. I'll in.

MISTRESS PAGE
118: What, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight?

FALSTAFF
119: I love thee. Help me away. Let me creep in here.
120: I'll never--

Gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen

MISTRESS PAGE
121: Help to cover your master, boy. Call your men,
122: Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight!

MISTRESS FORD
123: What, John! Robert! John!
[Exit ROBIN]
[Re-enter Servants]
124: Go take up these clothes here quickly. Where's the
125: cowl-staff? look, how you drumble! Carry them to
126: the laundress in Datchet-meat; quickly, come.

Enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS

FORD
127: Pray you, come near: if I suspect without cause,
128: why then make sport at me; then let me be your jest;
129: I deserve it. How now! whither bear you this?

Servant
130: To the laundress, forsooth.

MISTRESS FORD
131: Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You
132: were best meddle with buck-washing.

FORD
133: Buck! I would I could wash myself of the buck!
134: Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck; I warrant you, buck;
135: and of the season too, it shall appear.
[Exeunt Servants with the basket]
136: Gentlemen, I have dreamed to-night; I'll tell you my
137: dream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend my
138: chambers; search, seek, find out: I'll warrant
139: we'll unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first.
[Locking the door]
140: So, now uncape.

PAGE
141: Good Master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much.

FORD
142: True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen: you shall see
143: sport anon: follow me, gentlemen.

Exit

SIR HUGH EVANS
144: This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies.

DOCTOR CAIUS
145: By gar, 'tis no the fashion of France; it is not
146: jealous in France.

PAGE
147: Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search.

Exeunt PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS

MISTRESS PAGE
148: Is there not a double excellency in this?

MISTRESS FORD
149: I know not which pleases me better, that my husband
150: is deceived, or Sir John.

MISTRESS PAGE
151: What a taking was he in when your husband asked who
152: was in the basket!

MISTRESS FORD
153: I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so
154: throwing him into the water will do him a benefit.

MISTRESS PAGE
155: Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the same
156: strain were in the same distress.

MISTRESS FORD
157: I think my husband hath some special suspicion of
158: Falstaff's being here; for I never saw him so gross
159: in his jealousy till now.

MISTRESS PAGE
160: I will lay a plot to try that; and we will yet have
161: more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease will
162: scarce obey this medicine.

MISTRESS FORD
163: Shall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress
164: Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the
165: water; and give him another hope, to betray him to
166: another punishment?

MISTRESS PAGE
167: We will do it: let him be sent for to-morrow,
168: eight o'clock, to have amends.

Re-enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS

FORD
169: I cannot find him: may be the knave bragged of that
170: he could not compass.

MISTRESS PAGE
171: [Aside to MISTRESS FORD] Heard you that?

MISTRESS FORD
172: You use me well, Master Ford, do you?

FORD
173: Ay, I do so.

MISTRESS FORD
174: Heaven make you better than your thoughts!

FORD
175: Amen!

MISTRESS PAGE
176: You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford.

FORD
177: Ay, ay; I must bear it.

SIR HUGH EVANS
178: If there be any pody in the house, and in the
179: chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses,
180: heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment!

DOCTOR CAIUS
181: By gar, nor I too: there is no bodies.

PAGE
182: Fie, fie, Master Ford! are you not ashamed? What
183: spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I
184: would not ha' your distemper in this kind for the
185: wealth of Windsor Castle.

FORD
186: 'Tis my fault, Master Page: I suffer for it.

SIR HUGH EVANS
187: You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is as
188: honest a 'omans as I will desires among five
189: thousand, and five hundred too.

DOCTOR CAIUS
190: By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman.

FORD
191: Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk in
192: the Park: I pray you, pardon me; I will hereafter
193: make known to you why I have done this. Come,
194: wife; come, Mistress Page. I pray you, pardon me;
195: pray heartily, pardon me.

PAGE
196: Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll mock
197: him. I do invite you to-morrow morning to my house
198: to breakfast: after, we'll a-birding together; I
199: have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so?

FORD
200: Any thing.

SIR HUGH EVANS
201: If there is one, I shall make two in the company.

DOCTOR CAIUS
202: If dere be one or two, I shall make-a the turd.

FORD
203: Pray you, go, Master Page.

SIR HUGH EVANS
204: I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on the lousy
205: knave, mine host.

DOCTOR CAIUS
206: Dat is good; by gar, with all my heart!

SIR HUGH EVANS
207: A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries!

Exeunt

ACT III, SCENE IV.

A room in PAGE'S house.

Enter FENTON and ANNE PAGE

FENTON
001: I see I cannot get thy father's love;
002: Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan.

ANNE PAGE
003: Alas, how then?

FENTON
004: Why, thou must be thyself.
005: He doth object I am too great of birth--,
006: And that, my state being gall'd with my expense,
007: I seek to heal it only by his wealth:
008: Besides these, other bars he lays before me,
009: My riots past, my wild societies;
010: And tells me 'tis a thing impossible
011: I should love thee but as a property.

ANNE PAGE
012: May be he tells you true.

FENTON
013: No, heaven so speed me in my time to come!
014: Albeit I will confess thy father's wealth
015: Was the first motive that I woo'd thee, Anne:
016: Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value
017: Than stamps in gold or sums in sealed bags;
018: And 'tis the very riches of thyself
019: That now I aim at.

ANNE PAGE
020: Gentle Master Fenton,
021: Yet seek my father's love; still seek it, sir:
022: If opportunity and humblest suit
023: Cannot attain it, why, then,--hark you hither!

They converse apart

Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and MISTRESS QUICKLY

SHALLOW
024: Break their talk, Mistress Quickly: my kinsman shall
025: speak for himself.

SLENDER
026: I'll make a shaft or a bolt on't: 'slid, 'tis but
027: venturing.

SHALLOW
028: Be not dismayed.

SLENDER
029: No, she shall not dismay me: I care not for that,
030: but that I am afeard.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
031: Hark ye; Master Slender would speak a word with you.

ANNE PAGE
032: I come to him.
[Aside]
033: This is my father's choice.
034: O, what a world of vile ill-favor'd faults
035: Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a-year!

MISTRESS QUICKLY
036: And how does good Master Fenton? Pray you, a word with you.

SHALLOW
037: She's coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou hadst a father!

SLENDER
038: I had a father, Mistress Anne; my uncle can tell you
039: good jests of him. Pray you, uncle, tell Mistress
040: Anne the jest, how my father stole two geese out of
041: a pen, good uncle.

SHALLOW
042: Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you.

SLENDER
043: Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman in
044: Gloucestershire.

SHALLOW
045: He will maintain you like a gentlewoman.

SLENDER
046: Ay, that I will, come cut and long-tail, under the
047: degree of a squire.

SHALLOW
048: He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds jointure.

ANNE PAGE
049: Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself.

SHALLOW
050: Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for that good
051: comfort. She calls you, coz: I'll leave you.

ANNE PAGE
052: Now, Master Slender,--

SLENDER
053: Now, good Mistress Anne,--

ANNE PAGE
054: What is your will?

SLENDER
055: My will! 'od's heartlings, that's a pretty jest
056: indeed! I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven; I
057: am not such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise.

ANNE PAGE
058: I mean, Master Slender, what would you with me?

SLENDER
059: Truly, for mine own part, I would little or nothing
060: with you. Your father and my uncle hath made
061: motions: if it be my luck, so; if not, happy man be
062: his dole! They can tell you how things go better
063: than I can: you may ask your father; here he comes.

Enter PAGE and MISTRESS PAGE

PAGE
064: Now, Master Slender: love him, daughter Anne.
065: Why, how now! what does Master Fenton here?
066: You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house:
067: I told you, sir, my daughter is disposed of.

FENTON
068: Nay, Master Page, be not impatient.

MISTRESS PAGE
069: Good Master Fenton, come not to my child.

PAGE
070: She is no match for you.

FENTON
071: Sir, will you hear me?

PAGE
072: No, good Master Fenton.
073: Come, Master Shallow; come, son Slender, in.
074: Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton.

Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER

MISTRESS QUICKLY
075: Speak to Mistress Page.

FENTON
076: Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughter
077: In such a righteous fashion as I do,
078: Perforce, against all cheques, rebukes and manners,
079: I must advance the colours of my love
080: And not retire: let me have your good will.

ANNE PAGE
081: Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool.

MISTRESS PAGE
082: I mean it not; I seek you a better husband.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
083: That's my master, master doctor.

ANNE PAGE
084: Alas, I had rather be set quick i' the earth
085: And bowl'd to death with turnips!

MISTRESS PAGE
086: Come, trouble not yourself. Good Master Fenton,
087: I will not be your friend nor enemy:
088: My daughter will I question how she loves you,
089: And as I find her, so am I affected.
090: Till then farewell, sir: she must needs go in;
091: Her father will be angry.

FENTON
092: Farewell, gentle mistress: farewell, Nan.

Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE and ANNE PAGE

MISTRESS QUICKLY
093: This is my doing, now: 'Nay,' said I, 'will you cast
094: away your child on a fool, and a physician? Look on
095: Master Fenton:' this is my doing.

FENTON
096: I thank thee; and I pray thee, once to-night
097: Give my sweet Nan this ring: there's for thy pains.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
098: Now heaven send thee good fortune!
[Exit FENTON]
099: A kind heart he hath: a woman would run through
100: fire and water for such a kind heart. But yet I
101: would my master had Mistress Anne; or I would
102: Master Slender had her; or, in sooth, I would Master
103: Fenton had her; I will do what I can for them all
104: three; for so I have promised, and I'll be as good
105: as my word; but speciously for Master Fenton. Well,
106: I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff from
107: my two mistresses: what a beast am I to slack it!

Exit

ACT III, SCENE V.

A room in the Garter Inn.

Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH

FALSTAFF
001: Bardolph, I say,--

BARDOLPH
002: Here, sir.

FALSTAFF
003: Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in't.
[Exit BARDOLPH]
004: Have I lived to be carried in a basket, like a
005: barrow of butcher's offal, and to be thrown in the
006: Thames? Well, if I be served such another trick,
007: I'll have my brains ta'en out and buttered, and give
008: them to a dog for a new-year's gift. The rogues
009: slighted me into the river with as little remorse as
010: they would have drowned a blind bitch's puppies,
011: fifteen i' the litter: and you may know by my size
012: that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the
013: bottom were as deep as hell, I should down. I had
014: been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy and
015: shallow,--a death that I abhor; for the water swells
016: a man; and what a thing should I have been when I
017: had been swelled! I should have been a mountain of mummy.

Re-enter BARDOLPH with sack

BARDOLPH
018: Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you.

FALSTAFF
019: Let me pour in some sack to the Thames water; for my
020: belly's as cold as if I had swallowed snowballs for
021: pills to cool the reins. Call her in.

BARDOLPH
022: Come in, woman!

Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY
023: By your leave; I cry you mercy: give your worship
024: good morrow.

FALSTAFF
025: Take away these chalices. Go brew me a pottle of
026: sack finely.

BARDOLPH
027: With eggs, sir?

FALSTAFF
028: Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage.
[Exit BARDOLPH]
029: How now!

MISTRESS QUICKLY
030: Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress Ford.

FALSTAFF
031: Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was thrown
032: into the ford; I have my belly full of ford.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
033: Alas the day! good heart, that was not her fault:
034: she does so take on with her men; they mistook their erection.

FALSTAFF
035: So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's promise.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
036: Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn
037: your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning
038: a-birding; she desires you once more to come to her
039: between eight and nine: I must carry her word
040: quickly: she'll make you amends, I warrant you.

FALSTAFF
041: Well, I will visit her: tell her so; and bid her
042: think what a man is: let her consider his frailty,
043: and then judge of my merit.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
044: I will tell her.

FALSTAFF
045: Do so. Between nine and ten, sayest thou?

MISTRESS QUICKLY
046: Eight and nine, sir.

FALSTAFF
047: Well, be gone: I will not miss her.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
048: Peace be with you, sir.

Exit

FALSTAFF
049: I marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent me word
050: to stay within: I like his money well. O, here he comes.

Enter FORD

FORD
051: Bless you, sir!

FALSTAFF
052: Now, master Brook, you come to know what hath passed
053: between me and Ford's wife?

FORD
054: That, indeed, Sir John, is my business.

FALSTAFF
055: Master Brook, I will not lie to you: I was at her
056: house the hour she appointed me.

FORD
057: And sped you, sir?

FALSTAFF
058: Very ill-favoredly, Master Brook.

FORD
059: How so, sir? Did she change her determination?

FALSTAFF
060: No, Master Brook; but the peaking Cornuto her
061: husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual
062: 'larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our
063: encounter, after we had embraced, kissed, protested,
064: and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy;
065: and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thither
066: provoked and instigated by his distemper, and,
067: forsooth, to search his house for his wife's love.

FORD
068: What, while you were there?

FALSTAFF
069: While I was there.

FORD
070: And did he search for you, and could not find you?

FALSTAFF
071: You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes
072: in one Mistress Page; gives intelligence of Ford's
073: approach; and, in her invention and Ford's wife's
074: distraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket.

FORD
075: A buck-basket!

FALSTAFF
076: By the Lord, a buck-basket! rammed me in with foul
077: shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy
078: napkins; that, Master Brook, there was the rankest
079: compound of villanous smell that ever offended nostril.

FORD
080: And how long lay you there?

FALSTAFF
081: Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I have
082: suffered to bring this woman to evil for your good.
083: Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford's
084: knaves, his hinds, were called forth by their
085: mistress to carry me in the name of foul clothes to
086: Datchet-lane: they took me on their shoulders; met
087: the jealous knave their master in the door, who
088: asked them once or twice what they had in their
089: basket: I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knave
090: would have searched it; but fate, ordaining he
091: should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well: on went he
092: for a search, and away went I for foul clothes. But
093: mark the sequel, Master Brook: I suffered the pangs
094: of three several deaths; first, an intolerable
095: fright, to be detected with a jealous rotten
096: bell-wether; next, to be compassed, like a good
097: bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt to
098: point, heel to head; and then, to be stopped in,
099: like a strong distillation, with stinking clothes
100: that fretted in their own grease: think of that,--a
101: man of my kidney,--think of that,--that am as subject
102: to heat as butter; a man of continual dissolution
103: and thaw: it was a miracle to scape suffocation.
104: And in the height of this bath, when I was more than
105: half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be
106: thrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot,
107: in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think of
108: that,--hissing hot,--think of that, Master Brook.

FORD
109: In good sadness, I am sorry that for my sake you
110: have sufferd all this. My suit then is desperate;
111: you'll undertake her no more?

FALSTAFF
112: Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I have
113: been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her
114: husband is this morning gone a-birding: I have
115: received from her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt
116: eight and nine is the hour, Master Brook.

FORD
117: 'Tis past eight already, sir.

FALSTAFF
118: Is it? I will then address me to my appointment.
119: Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall
120: know how I speed; and the conclusion shall be
121: crowned with your enjoying her. Adieu. You shall
122: have her, Master Brook; Master Brook, you shall
123: cuckold Ford.

Exit

FORD
124: Hum! ha! is this a vision? is this a dream? do I
125: sleep? Master Ford awake! awake, Master Ford!
126: there's a hole made in your best coat, Master Ford.
127: This 'tis to be married! this 'tis to have linen
128: and buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myself
129: what I am: I will now take the lecher; he is at my
130: house; he cannot 'scape me; 'tis impossible he
131: should; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse,
132: nor into a pepper-box: but, lest the devil that
133: guides him should aid him, I will search
134: impossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid,
135: yet to be what I would not shall not make me tame:
136: if I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go
137: with me: I'll be horn-mad.

Exit

ACT IV, SCENE I.

A street.

Enter MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS QUICKLY, and WILLIAM PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE
001: Is he at Master Ford's already, think'st thou?

MISTRESS QUICKLY
002: Sure he is by this, or will be presently: but,
003: truly, he is very courageous mad about his throwing
004: into the water. Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly.

MISTRESS PAGE
005: I'll be with her by and by; I'll but bring my young
006: man here to school. Look, where his master comes;
007: 'tis a playing-day, I see.
[Enter SIR HUGH EVANS]
008: How now, Sir Hugh! no school to-day?

SIR HUGH EVANS
009: No; Master Slender is let the boys leave to play.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
010: Blessing of his heart!

MISTRESS PAGE
011: Sir Hugh, my husband says my son profits nothing in
012: the world at his book. I pray you, ask him some
013: questions in his accidence.

SIR HUGH EVANS
014: Come hither, William; hold up your head; come.

MISTRESS PAGE
015: Come on, sirrah; hold up your head; answer your
016: master, be not afraid.

SIR HUGH EVANS
017: William, how many numbers is in nouns?

WILLIAM PAGE
018: Two.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
019: Truly, I thought there had been one number more,
020: because they say, ''Od's nouns.'

SIR HUGH EVANS
021: Peace your tattlings! What is 'fair,' William?

WILLIAM PAGE
022: Pulcher.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
023: Polecats! there are fairer things than polecats, sure.

SIR HUGH EVANS
024: You are a very simplicity 'oman: I pray you peace.
025: What is 'lapis,' William?

WILLIAM PAGE
026: A stone.

SIR HUGH EVANS
027: And what is 'a stone,' William?

WILLIAM PAGE
028: A pebble.

SIR HUGH EVANS
029: No, it is 'lapis:' I pray you, remember in your prain.

WILLIAM PAGE
030: Lapis.

SIR HUGH EVANS
031: That is a good William. What is he, William, that
032: does lend articles?

WILLIAM PAGE
033: Articles are borrowed of the pronoun, and be thus
034: declined, Singulariter, nominativo, hic, haec, hoc.

SIR HUGH EVANS
035: Nominativo, hig, hag, hog; pray you, mark:
036: genitivo, hujus. Well, what is your accusative case?

WILLIAM PAGE
037: Accusativo, hinc.

SIR HUGH EVANS
038: I pray you, have your remembrance, child,
039: accusative, hung, hang, hog.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
040: 'Hang-hog' is Latin for bacon, I warrant you.

SIR HUGH EVANS
041: Leave your prabbles, 'oman. What is the focative
042: case, William?

WILLIAM PAGE
043: O,--vocativo, O.

SIR HUGH EVANS
044: Remember, William; focative is caret.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
045: And that's a good root.

SIR HUGH EVANS
046: 'Oman, forbear.

MISTRESS PAGE
047: Peace!

SIR HUGH EVANS
048: What is your genitive case plural, William?

WILLIAM PAGE
049: Genitive case!

SIR HUGH EVANS
050: Ay.

WILLIAM PAGE
051: Genitive,--horum, harum, horum.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
052: Vengeance of Jenny's case! fie on her! never name
053: her, child, if she be a whore.

SIR HUGH EVANS
054: For shame, 'oman.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
055: You do ill to teach the child such words: he
056: teaches him to hick and to hack, which they'll do
057: fast enough of themselves, and to call 'horum:' fie upon you!

SIR HUGH EVANS
058: 'Oman, art thou lunatics? hast thou no
059: understandings for thy cases and the numbers of the
060: genders? Thou art as foolish Christian creatures as
061: I would desires.

MISTRESS PAGE
062: Prithee, hold thy peace.

SIR HUGH EVANS
063: Show me now, William, some declensions of your pronouns.

WILLIAM PAGE
064: Forsooth, I have forgot.

SIR HUGH EVANS
065: It is qui, quae, quod: if you forget your 'quies,'
066: your 'quaes,' and your 'quods,' you must be
067: preeches. Go your ways, and play; go.

MISTRESS PAGE
068: He is a better scholar than I thought he was.

SIR HUGH EVANS
069: He is a good sprag memory. Farewell, Mistress Page.

MISTRESS PAGE
070: Adieu, good Sir Hugh.
[Exit SIR HUGH EVANS]
071: Get you home, boy. Come, we stay too long.

Exeunt

ACT IV, SCENE II.

A room in FORD'S house.

Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS FORD

FALSTAFF
001: Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my
002: sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your love,
003: and I profess requital to a hair's breadth; not
004: only, Mistress Ford, in the simple
005: office of love, but in all the accoutrement,
006: complement and ceremony of it. But are you
007: sure of your husband now?

MISTRESS FORD
008: He's a-birding, sweet Sir John.

MISTRESS PAGE
009: [Within] What, ho, gossip Ford! what, ho!

MISTRESS FORD
010: Step into the chamber, Sir John.

Exit FALSTAFF

Enter MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE
011: How now, sweetheart! who's at home besides yourself?

MISTRESS FORD
012: Why, none but mine own people.

MISTRESS PAGE
013: Indeed!

MISTRESS FORD
014: No, certainly.
[Aside to her]
015: Speak louder.

MISTRESS PAGE
016: Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here.

MISTRESS FORD
017: Why?

MISTRESS PAGE
018: Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again:
019: he so takes on yonder with my husband; so rails
020: against all married mankind; so curses all Eve's
021: daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets
022: himself on the forehead, crying, 'Peer out, peer
023: out!' that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed but
024: tameness, civility and patience, to this his
025: distemper he is in now: I am glad the fat knight is not here.

MISTRESS FORD
026: Why, does he talk of him?

MISTRESS PAGE
027: Of none but him; and swears he was carried out, the
028: last time he searched for him, in a basket; protests
029: to my husband he is now here, and hath drawn him and
030: the rest of their company from their sport, to make
031: another experiment of his suspicion: but I am glad
032: the knight is not here; now he shall see his own foolery.

MISTRESS FORD
033: How near is he, Mistress Page?

MISTRESS PAGE
034: Hard by; at street end; he will be here anon.

MISTRESS FORD
035: I am undone! The knight is here.

MISTRESS PAGE
036: Why then you are utterly shamed, and he's but a dead
037: man. What a woman are you!--Away with him, away
038: with him! better shame than murder.

MISTRESS FORD
039: Which way should be go? how should I bestow him?
040: Shall I put him into the basket again?

Re-enter FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF
041: No, I'll come no more i' the basket. May I not go
042: out ere he come?

MISTRESS PAGE
043: Alas, three of Master Ford's brothers watch the door
044: with pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwise
045: you might slip away ere he came. But what make you here?

FALSTAFF
046: What shall I do? I'll creep up into the chimney.

MISTRESS FORD
047: There they always use to discharge their
048: birding-pieces. Creep into the kiln-hole.

FALSTAFF
049: Where is it?

MISTRESS FORD
050: He will seek there, on my word. Neither press,
051: coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an
052: abstract for the remembrance of such places, and
053: goes to them by his note: there is no hiding you in the house.

FALSTAFF
054: I'll go out then.

MISTRESS PAGE
055: If you go out in your own semblance, you die, Sir
056: John. Unless you go out disguised--

MISTRESS FORD
057: How might we disguise him?

MISTRESS PAGE
058: Alas the day, I know not! There is no woman's gown
059: big enough for him otherwise he might put on a hat,
060: a muffler and a kerchief, and so escape.

FALSTAFF
061: Good hearts, devise something: any extremity rather
062: than a mischief.

MISTRESS FORD
063: My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brentford, has a
064: gown above.

MISTRESS PAGE
065: On my word, it will serve him; she's as big as he
066: is: and there's her thrummed hat and her muffler
067: too. Run up, Sir John.

MISTRESS FORD
068: Go, go, sweet Sir John: Mistress Page and I will
069: look some linen for your head.

MISTRESS PAGE
070: Quick, quick! we'll come dress you straight: put
071: on the gown the while.

Exit FALSTAFF

MISTRESS FORD
072: I would my husband would meet him in this shape: he
073: cannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he swears
074: she's a witch; forbade her my house and hath
075: threatened to beat her.

MISTRESS PAGE
076: Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel, and the
077: devil guide his cudgel afterwards!

MISTRESS FORD
078: But is my husband coming?

MISTRESS PAGE
079: Ah, in good sadness, is he; and talks of the basket
080: too, howsoever he hath had intelligence.

MISTRESS FORD
081: We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men to carry the
082: basket again, to meet him at the door with it, as
083: they did last time.

MISTRESS PAGE
084: Nay, but he'll be here presently: let's go dress him
085: like the witch of Brentford.

MISTRESS FORD
086: I'll first direct my men what they shall do with the
087: basket. Go up; I'll bring linen for him straight.

Exit

MISTRESS PAGE
088: Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him enough.
089: We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
090: Wives may be merry, and yet honest too:
091: We do not act that often jest and laugh;
092: 'Tis old, but true, Still swine eat all the draff.

Exit

Re-enter MISTRESS FORD with two Servants

MISTRESS FORD
093: Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders:
094: your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it
095: down, obey him: quickly, dispatch.

Exit

First Servant
096: Come, come, take it up.

Second Servant
097: Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.

First Servant
098: I hope not; I had as lief bear so much lead.

Enter FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS

FORD
099: Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any
100: way then to unfool me again? Set down the basket,
101: villain! Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket!
102: O you panderly rascals! there's a knot, a ging, a
103: pack, a conspiracy against me: now shall the devil
104: be shamed. What, wife, I say! Come, come forth!
105: Behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching!

PAGE
106: Why, this passes, Master Ford; you are not to go
107: loose any longer; you must be pinioned.

SIR HUGH EVANS
108: Why, this is lunatics! this is mad as a mad dog!

SHALLOW
109: Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.

FORD
110: So say I too, sir.
[Re-enter MISTRESS FORD]
111: Come hither, Mistress Ford; Mistress Ford the honest
112: woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that
113: hath the jealous fool to her husband! I suspect
114: without cause, mistress, do I?

MISTRESS FORD
115: Heaven be my witness you do, if you suspect me in
116: any dishonesty.

FORD
117: Well said, brazen-face! hold it out. Come forth, sirrah!

Pulling clothes out of the basket

PAGE
118: This passes!

MISTRESS FORD
119: Are you not ashamed? let the clothes alone.

FORD
120: I shall find you anon.

SIR HUGH EVANS
121: 'Tis unreasonable! Will you take up your wife's
122: clothes? Come away.

FORD
123: Empty the basket, I say!

MISTRESS FORD
124: Why, man, why?

FORD
125: Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed
126: out of my house yesterday in this basket: why may
127: not he be there again? In my house I am sure he is:
128: my intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable.
129: Pluck me out all the linen.

MISTRESS FORD
130: If you find a man there, he shall die a flea's death.

PAGE
131: Here's no man.

SHALLOW
132: By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford; this
133: wrongs you.

SIR HUGH EVANS
134: Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the
135: imaginations of your own heart: this is jealousies.

FORD
136: Well, he's not here I seek for.

PAGE
137: No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.

FORD
138: Help to search my house this one time. If I find
139: not what I seek, show no colour for my extremity; let
140: me for ever be your table-sport; let them say of
141: me, 'As jealous as Ford, Chat searched a hollow
142: walnut for his wife's leman.' Satisfy me once more;
143: once more search with me.

MISTRESS FORD
144: What, ho, Mistress Page! come you and the old woman
145: down; my husband will come into the chamber.

FORD
146: Old woman! what old woman's that?

MISTRESS FORD
147: Nay, it is my maid's aunt of Brentford.

FORD
148: A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not
149: forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does
150: she? We are simple men; we do not know what's
151: brought to pass under the profession of
152: fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells,
153: by the figure, and such daubery as this is, beyond
154: our element we know nothing. Come down, you witch,
155: you hag, you; come down, I say!

MISTRESS FORD
156: Nay, good, sweet husband! Good gentlemen, let him
157: not strike the old woman.

Re-enter FALSTAFF in woman's clothes, and MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE
158: Come, Mother Prat; come, give me your hand.

FORD
159: I'll prat her.
[Beating him]
160: Out of my door, you witch, you hag, you baggage, you
161: polecat, you runyon! out, out! I'll conjure you,
162: I'll fortune-tell you.

Exit FALSTAFF

MISTRESS PAGE
163: Are you not ashamed? I think you have killed the
164: poor woman.

MISTRESS FORD
165: Nay, he will do it. 'Tis a goodly credit for you.

FORD
166: Hang her, witch!

SIR HUGH EVANS
167: By the yea and no, I think the 'oman is a witch
168: indeed: I like not when a 'oman has a great peard;
169: I spy a great peard under his muffler.

FORD
170: Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, follow;
171: see but the issue of my jealousy: if I cry out thus
172: upon no trail, never trust me when I open again.

PAGE
173: Let's obey his humour a little further: come,
174: gentlemen.

Exeunt FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS

MISTRESS PAGE
175: Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.

MISTRESS FORD
176: Nay, by the mass, that he did not; he beat him most
177: unpitifully, methought.

MISTRESS PAGE
178: I'll have the cudgel hallowed and hung o'er the
179: altar; it hath done meritorious service.

MISTRESS FORD
180: What think you? may we, with the warrant of
181: womanhood and the witness of a good conscience,
182: pursue him with any further revenge?

MISTRESS PAGE
183: The spirit of wantonness is, sure, scared out of
184: him: if the devil have him not in fee-simple, with
185: fine and recovery, he will never, I think, in the
186: way of waste, attempt us again.

MISTRESS FORD
187: Shall we tell our husbands how we have served him?

MISTRESS PAGE
188: Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape the
189: figures out of your husband's brains. If they can
190: find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight
191: shall be any further afflicted, we two will still be
192: the ministers.

MISTRESS FORD
193: I'll warrant they'll have him publicly shamed: and
194: methinks there would be no period to the jest,
195: should he not be publicly shamed.

MISTRESS PAGE
196: Come, to the forge with it then; shape it: I would
197: not have things cool.

Exeunt

ACT IV, SCENE III.

A room in the Garter Inn.

Enter Host and BARDOLPH

BARDOLPH
001: Sir, the Germans desire to have three of your
002: horses: the duke himself will be to-morrow at
003: court, and they are going to meet him.

Host
004: What duke should that be comes so secretly? I hear
005: not of him in the court. Let me speak with the
006: gentlemen: they speak English?

BARDOLPH
007: Ay, sir; I'll call them to you.

Host
008: They shall have my horses; but I'll make them pay;
009: I'll sauce them: they have had my house a week at
010: command; I have turned away my other guests: they
011: must come off; I'll sauce them. Come.

Exeunt

ACT IV, SCENE IV.

A room in FORD'S house.

Enter PAGE, FORD, MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and SIR HUGH EVANS

SIR HUGH EVANS
001: 'Tis one of the best discretions of a 'oman as ever
002: I did look upon.

PAGE
003: And did he send you both these letters at an instant?

MISTRESS PAGE
004: Within a quarter of an hour.

FORD
005: Pardon me, wife. Henceforth do what thou wilt;
006: I rather will suspect the sun with cold
007: Than thee with wantonness: now doth thy honour stand
008: In him that was of late an heretic,
009: As firm as faith.

PAGE
010: 'Tis well, 'tis well; no more:
011: Be not as extreme in submission
012: As in offence.
013: But let our plot go forward: let our wives
014: Yet once again, to make us public sport,
015: Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow,
016: Where we may take him and disgrace him for it.

FORD
017: There is no better way than that they spoke of.

PAGE
018: How? to send him word they'll meet him in the park
019: at midnight? Fie, fie! he'll never come.

SIR HUGH EVANS
020: You say he has been thrown in the rivers and has
021: been grievously peaten as an old 'oman: methinks
022: there should be terrors in him that he should not
023: come; methinks his flesh is punished, he shall have
024: no desires.

PAGE
025: So think I too.

MISTRESS FORD
026: Devise but how you'll use him when he comes,
027: And let us two devise to bring him thither.

MISTRESS PAGE
028: There is an old tale goes that Herne the hunter,
029: Sometime a keeper here in Windsor forest,
030: Doth all the winter-time, at still midnight,
031: Walk round about an oak, with great ragg'd horns;
032: And there he blasts the tree and takes the cattle
033: And makes milch-kine yield blood and shakes a chain
034: In a most hideous and dreadful manner:
035: You have heard of such a spirit, and well you know
036: The superstitious idle-headed eld
037: Received and did deliver to our age
038: This tale of Herne the hunter for a truth.

PAGE
039: Why, yet there want not many that do fear
040: In deep of night to walk by this Herne's oak:
041: But what of this?

MISTRESS FORD
042: Marry, this is our device;
043: That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us.

PAGE
044: Well, let it not be doubted but he'll come:
045: And in this shape when you have brought him thither,
046: What shall be done with him? what is your plot?

MISTRESS PAGE
047: That likewise have we thought upon, and thus:
048: Nan Page my daughter and my little son
049: And three or four more of their growth we'll dress
050: Like urchins, ouphes and fairies, green and white,
051: With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads,
052: And rattles in their hands: upon a sudden,
053: As Falstaff, she and I, are newly met,
054: Let them from forth a sawpit rush at once
055: With some diffused song: upon their sight,
056: We two in great amazedness will fly:
057: Then let them all encircle him about
058: And, fairy-like, to-pinch the unclean knight,
059: And ask him why, that hour of fairy revel,
060: In their so sacred paths he dares to tread
061: In shape profane.

MISTRESS FORD
062: And till he tell the truth,
063: Let the supposed fairies pinch him sound
064: And burn him with their tapers.

MISTRESS PAGE
065: The truth being known,
066: We'll all present ourselves, dis-horn the spirit,
067: And mock him home to Windsor.

FORD
068: The children must
069: Be practised well to this, or they'll ne'er do't.

SIR HUGH EVANS
070: I will teach the children their behaviors; and I
071: will be like a jack-an-apes also, to burn the
072: knight with my taber.

FORD
073: That will be excellent. I'll go and buy them vizards.

MISTRESS PAGE
074: My Nan shall be the queen of all the fairies,
075: Finely attired in a robe of white.

PAGE
076: That silk will I go buy.
[Aside]
077: And in that time
078: Shall Master Slender steal my Nan away
079: And marry her at Eton. Go send to Falstaff straight.

FORD
080: Nay I'll to him again in name of Brook
081: He'll tell me all his purpose: sure, he'll come.

MISTRESS PAGE
082: Fear not you that. Go get us properties
083: And tricking for our fairies.

SIR HUGH EVANS
084: Let us about it: it is admirable pleasures and fery
085: honest knaveries.

Exeunt PAGE, FORD, and SIR HUGH EVANS

MISTRESS PAGE
086: Go, Mistress Ford,
087: Send quickly to Sir John, to know his mind.
[Exit MISTRESS FORD]
088: I'll to the doctor: he hath my good will,
089: And none but he, to marry with Nan Page.
090: That Slender, though well landed, is an idiot;
091: And he my husband best of all affects.
092: The doctor is well money'd, and his friends
093: Potent at court: he, none but he, shall have her,
094: Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her.

Exit

ACT IV, SCENE V.

A room in the Garter Inn.

Enter Host and SIMPLE

Host
001: What wouldst thou have, boor? what: thick-skin?
002: speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.

SIMPLE
003: Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff
004: from Master Slender.

Host
005: There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his
006: standing-bed and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about
007: with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go
008: knock and call; hell speak like an Anthropophaginian
009: unto thee: knock, I say.

SIMPLE
010: There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his
011: chamber: I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come
012: down; I come to speak with her, indeed.

Host
013: Ha! a fat woman! the knight may be robbed: I'll
014: call. Bully knight! bully Sir John! speak from
015: thy lungs military: art thou there? it is thine
016: host, thine Ephesian, calls.

FALSTAFF
017: [Above] How now, mine host!

Host
018: Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of
019: thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her
020: descend; my chambers are honourable: fie! privacy?
021: fie!

Enter FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF
022: There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with
023: me; but she's gone.

SIMPLE
024: Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of
025: Brentford?

FALSTAFF
026: Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell: what would you with her?

SIMPLE
027: My master, sir, Master Slender, sent to her, seeing
028: her go through the streets, to know, sir, whether
029: one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the
030: chain or no.

FALSTAFF
031: I spake with the old woman about it.

SIMPLE
032: And what says she, I pray, sir?

FALSTAFF
033: Marry, she says that the very same man that
034: beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him of
035: it.

SIMPLE
036: I would I could have spoken with the woman herself;
037: I had other things to have spoken with her too from
038: him.

FALSTAFF
039: What are they? let us know.

Host
040: Ay, come; quick.

SIMPLE
041: I may not conceal them, sir.

Host
042: Conceal them, or thou diest.

SIMPLE
043: Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne
044: Page; to know if it were my master's fortune to
045: have her or no.

FALSTAFF
046: 'Tis, 'tis his fortune.

SIMPLE
047: What, sir?

FALSTAFF
048: To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me so.

SIMPLE
049: May I be bold to say so, sir?

FALSTAFF
050: Ay, sir; like who more bold.

SIMPLE
051: I thank your worship: I shall make my master glad
052: with these tidings.

Exit

Host
053: Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was
054: there a wise woman with thee?

FALSTAFF
055: Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath taught
056: me more wit than ever I learned before in my life;
057: and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for
058: my learning.

Enter BARDOLPH

BARDOLPH
059: Out, alas, sir! cozenage, mere cozenage!

Host
060: Where be my horses? speak well of them, varletto.

BARDOLPH
061: Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I came
062: beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of
063: them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away,
064: like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.

Host
065: They are gone but to meet the duke, villain: do not
066: say they be fled; Germans are honest men.

Enter SIR HUGH EVANS

SIR HUGH EVANS
067: Where is mine host?

Host
068: What is the matter, sir?

SIR HUGH EVANS
069: Have a care of your entertainments: there is a
070: friend of mine come to town tells me there is three
071: cozen-germans that has cozened all the hosts of
072: Readins, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and
073: money. I tell you for good will, look you: you
074: are wise and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks, and
075: 'tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you well.

Exit

Enter DOCTOR CAIUS

DOCTOR CAIUS
076: Vere is mine host de Jarteer?

Host
077: Here, master doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.

DOCTOR CAIUS
078: I cannot tell vat is dat: but it is tell-a me dat
079: you make grand preparation for a duke de Jamany: by
080: my trot, dere is no duke dat the court is know to
081: come. I tell you for good vill: adieu.

Exit

Host
082: Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight. I am
083: undone! Fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am undone!

Exeunt Host and BARDOLPH

FALSTAFF
084: I would all the world might be cozened; for I have
085: been cozened and beaten too. If it should come to
086: the ear of the court, how I have been transformed
087: and how my transformation hath been washed and
088: cudgelled, they would melt me out of my fat drop by
089: drop and liquor fishermen's boots with me; I warrant
090: they would whip me with their fine wits till I were
091: as crest-fallen as a dried pear. I never prospered
092: since I forswore myself at primero. Well, if my
093: wind were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent.
[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY]
094: Now, whence come you?

MISTRESS QUICKLY
095: From the two parties, forsooth.

FALSTAFF
096: The devil take one party and his dam the other! and
097: so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffered more
098: for their sakes, more than the villanous inconstancy
099: of man's disposition is able to bear.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
100: And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant;
101: speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good heart,
102: is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a
103: white spot about her.

FALSTAFF
104: What tellest thou me of black and blue? I was
105: beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow;
106: and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of
107: Brentford: but that my admirable dexterity of wit,
108: my counterfeiting the action of an old woman,
109: delivered me, the knave constable had set me i' the
110: stocks, i' the common stocks, for a witch.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
111: Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber: you
112: shall hear how things go; and, I warrant, to your
113: content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good
114: hearts, what ado here is to bring you together!
115: Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, that
116: you are so crossed.

FALSTAFF
117: Come up into my chamber.

Exeunt

ACT IV, SCENE VI.

Another room in the Garter Inn.

Enter FENTON and Host

Host
001: Master Fenton, talk not to me; my mind is heavy: I
002: will give over all.

FENTON
003: Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose,
004: And, as I am a gentleman, I'll give thee
005: A hundred pound in gold more than your loss.

Host
006: I will hear you, Master Fenton; and I will at the
007: least keep your counsel.

FENTON
008: From time to time I have acquainted you
009: With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page;
010: Who mutually hath answer'd my affection,
011: So far forth as herself might be her chooser,
012: Even to my wish: I have a letter from her
013: Of such contents as you will wonder at;
014: The mirth whereof so larded with my matter,
015: That neither singly can be manifested,
016: Without the show of both; fat Falstaff
017: Hath a great scene: the image of the jest
018: I'll show you here at large. Hark, good mine host.
019: To-night at Herne's oak, just 'twixt twelve and one,
020: Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen;
021: The purpose why, is here: in which disguise,
022: While other jests are something rank on foot,
023: Her father hath commanded her to slip
024: Away with Slender and with him at Eton
025: Immediately to marry: she hath consented: Now, sir,
026: Her mother, ever strong against that match
027: And firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointed
028: That he shall likewise shuffle her away,
029: While other sports are tasking of their minds,
030: And at the deanery, where a priest attends,
031: Straight marry her: to this her mother's plot
032: She seemingly obedient likewise hath
033: Made promise to the doctor. Now, thus it rests:
034: Her father means she shall be all in white,
035: And in that habit, when Slender sees his time
036: To take her by the hand and bid her go,
037: She shall go with him: her mother hath intended,
038: The better to denote her to the doctor,
039: For they must all be mask'd and vizarded,
040: That quaint in green she shall be loose enrobed,
041: With ribands pendent, flaring 'bout her head;
042: And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe,
043: To pinch her by the hand, and, on that token,
044: The maid hath given consent to go with him.

Host
045: Which means she to deceive, father or mother?

FENTON
046: Both, my good host, to go along with me:
047: And here it rests, that you'll procure the vicar
048: To stay for me at church 'twixt twelve and one,
049: And, in the lawful name of marrying,
050: To give our hearts united ceremony.

Host
051: Well, husband your device; I'll to the vicar:
052: Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.

FENTON
053: So shall I evermore be bound to thee;
054: Besides, I'll make a present recompense.

Exeunt

ACT V, SCENE I.

A room in the Garter Inn.

Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS QUICKLY

FALSTAFF
001: Prithee, no more prattling; go. I'll hold. This is
002: the third time; I hope good luck lies in odd
003: numbers. Away I go. They say there is divinity in
004: odd numbers, either in nativity, chance, or death. Away!

MISTRESS QUICKLY
005: I'll provide you a chain; and I'll do what I can to
006: get you a pair of horns.

FALSTAFF
007: Away, I say; time wears: hold up your head, and mince.
[Exit MISTRESS QUICKLY]
[Enter FORD]
008: How now, Master Brook! Master Brook, the matter
009: will be known to-night, or never. Be you in the
010: Park about midnight, at Herne's oak, and you shall
011: see wonders.