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1-1
Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS
SHALLOW
Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star-
chamber matter of it: if he were twenty Sir John
Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire.
SLENDER
In the county of Gloucester, justice of peace and
5'Coram.'
SHALLOW
Ay, cousin Slender, and 'Custalourum.
SLENDER
Ay, and 'Rato-lorum' too; and a gentleman born,
master parson; who writes himself 'Armigero,' in any
bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation, 'Armigero.'
SHALLOW
10Ay, that I do; and have done any time these three
hundred years.
SLENDER
All his successors gone before him hath done't; and
all his ancestors that come after him may: they may
give the dozen white luces in their coat.
SHALLOW
15It is an old coat.
SIR HUGH EVANS
The dozen white louses do become an old coat well;
it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast to
man, and signifies love.
SHALLOW
The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old coat.
SLENDER
20I may quarter, coz.
SHALLOW
You may, by marrying.
SIR HUGH EVANS
It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.
SHALLOW
Not a whit.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Yes, py'r lady; if he has a quarter of your coat,
25there is but three skirts for yourself, in my
simple conjectures: but that is all one. If Sir
John Falstaff have committed disparagements unto
you, I am of the church, and will be glad to do my
benevolence to make atonements and compremises
30between you.
SHALLOW
The council shall bear it; it is a riot.
SIR HUGH EVANS
It is not meet the council hear a riot; there is no
fear of Got in a riot: the council, look you, shall
desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a
35riot; take your vizaments in that.
SHALLOW
Ha! o' my life, if I were young again, the sword
should end it.
SIR HUGH EVANS
It is petter that friends is the sword, and end it:
and there is also another device in my prain, which
40peradventure prings goot discretions with it: there
is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master Thomas
Page, which is pretty virginity.
SLENDER
Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and speaks
small like a woman.
SIR HUGH EVANS
45It is that fery person for all the orld, as just as
you will desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys,
and gold and silver, is her grandsire upon his
death's-bed--Got deliver to a joyful resurrections!
--give, when she is able to overtake seventeen years
50old: it were a goot motion if we leave our pribbles
and prabbles, and desire a marriage between Master
Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.
SLENDER
Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound?
SIR HUGH EVANS
Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny.
SLENDER
55I know the young gentlewoman; she has good gifts.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is goot gifts.
SHALLOW
Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there?
SIR HUGH EVANS
Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do
despise one that is false, or as I despise one that
60is not true. The knight, Sir John, is there; and, I
beseech you, be ruled by your well-willers. I will
peat the door for Master Page.
What, hoa! Got pless your house here!
PAGE
Within
Who's there?Enter PAGE
SIR HUGH EVANS
65Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and Justice
Shallow; and here young Master Slender, that
peradventures shall tell you another tale, if
matters grow to your likings.
PAGE
I am glad to see your worships well.
70I thank you for my venison, Master Shallow.
SHALLOW
Master Page, I am glad to see you: much good do it
your good heart! I wished your venison better; it
was ill killed. How doth good Mistress Page?--and I
thank you always with my heart, la! with my heart.
PAGE
75Sir, I thank you.
SHALLOW
Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do.
PAGE
I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.
SLENDER
How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say he
was outrun on Cotsall.
PAGE
80It could not be judged, sir.
SLENDER
You'll not confess, you'll not confess.
SHALLOW
That he will not. 'Tis your fault, 'tis your fault;
'tis a good dog.
PAGE
A cur, sir.
SHALLOW
85Sir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog: can there be
more said? he is good and fair. Is Sir John
Falstaff here?
PAGE
Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good
office between you.
SIR HUGH EVANS
90It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.
SHALLOW
He hath wronged me, Master Page.
PAGE
Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.
SHALLOW
If it be confessed, it is not redress'd: is not that
so, Master Page? He hath wronged me; indeed he
95hath, at a word, he hath, believe me: Robert
Shallow, esquire, saith, he is wronged.
PAGE
Here comes Sir John.
Enter FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, NYM, and PISTOL
FALSTAFF
Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me to the king?
SHALLOW
Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and
100broke open my lodge.
FALSTAFF
But not kissed your keeper's daughter?
SHALLOW
Tut, a pin! this shall be answered.
FALSTAFF
I will answer it straight; I have done all this.
That is now answered.
SHALLOW
105The council shall know this.
FALSTAFF
'Twere better for you if it were known in counsel:
you'll be laughed at.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts.
FALSTAFF
Good worts! good cabbage. Slender, I broke your
110head: what matter have you against me?
SLENDER
Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you;
and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph,
Nym, and Pistol.
BARDOLPH
You Banbury cheese!
SLENDER
115Ay, it is no matter.
PISTOL
How now, Mephostophilus!
SLENDER
Ay, it is no matter.
NYM
Slice, I say! pauca, pauca: slice! that's my humour.
SLENDER
Where's Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?
SIR HUGH EVANS
120Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is
three umpires in this matter, as I understand; that
is, Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is
myself, fidelicet myself; and the three party is,
lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter.
PAGE
125We three, to hear it and end it between them.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my note-
book; and we will afterwards ork upon the cause with
as great discreetly as we can.
FALSTAFF
Pistol!
PISTOL
130He hears with ears.
SIR HUGH EVANS
The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, 'He
hears with ear'? why, it is affectations.
FALSTAFF
Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse?
SLENDER
Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I might
135never come in mine own great chamber again else, of
seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward
shovel-boards, that cost me two shilling and two
pence apiece of Yead Miller, by these gloves.
FALSTAFF
Is this true, Pistol?
SIR HUGH EVANS
140No; it is false, if it is a pick-purse.
PISTOL
Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! Sir John and Master mine,
I combat challenge of this latten bilbo.
Word of denial in thy labras here!
Word of denial: froth and scum, thou liest!
SLENDER
145By these gloves, then, 'twas he.
NYM
Be avised, sir, and pass good humours: I will say
'marry trap' with you, if you run the nuthook's
humour on me; that is the very note of it.
SLENDER
By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for
150though I cannot remember what I did when you made me
drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.
FALSTAFF
What say you, Scarlet and John?
BARDOLPH
Why, sir, for my part I say the gentleman had drunk
himself out of his five sentences.
SIR HUGH EVANS
155It is his five senses: fie, what the ignorance is!
BARDOLPH
And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered; and
so conclusions passed the careires.
SLENDER
Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis no
matter: I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again,
160but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick:
if I be drunk, I'll be drunk with those that have
the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves.
SIR HUGH EVANS
So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind.
FALSTAFF
You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it.
Enter ANNE PAGE, with wine; MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE, following
PAGE
165Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink within.
Exit ANNE PAGE
SLENDER
O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page.
PAGE
How now, Mistress Ford!
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met:
by your leave, good mistress.
Kisses her
PAGE
170Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a
hot venison pasty to dinner: come, gentlemen, I hope
we shall drink down all unkindness.
Exeunt all except SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS
SLENDER
I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of
Songs and Sonnets here.
175How now, Simple! where have you been? I must wait
on myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles
about you, have you?
SIMPLE
Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to Alice
Shortcake upon All-hallowmas last, a fortnight
180afore Michaelmas?
SHALLOW
Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word with
you, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as 'twere, a
tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh
here. Do you understand me?
SLENDER
185Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so,
I shall do that that is reason.
SHALLOW
Nay, but understand me.
SLENDER
So I do, sir.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Give ear to his motions, Master Slender: I will
190description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.
SLENDER
Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says: I pray
you, pardon me; he's a justice of peace in his
country, simple though I stand here.
SIR HUGH EVANS
But that is not the question: the question is
195concerning your marriage.
SHALLOW
Ay, there's the point, sir.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Marry, is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne Page.
SLENDER
Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any
reasonable demands.
SIR HUGH EVANS
200But can you affection the 'oman? Let us command to
know that of your mouth or of your lips; for divers
philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the
mouth. Therefore, precisely, can you carry your
good will to the maid?
SHALLOW
205Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?
SLENDER
I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that
would do reason.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Nay, Got's lords and his ladies! you must speak
possitable, if you can carry her your desires
210towards her.
SHALLOW
That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry her?
SLENDER
I will do a greater thing than that, upon your
request, cousin, in any reason.
SHALLOW
Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz: what I do
215is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid?
SLENDER
I will marry her, sir, at your request: but if there
be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may
decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are
married and have more occasion to know one another;
220I hope, upon familiarity will grow more contempt:
but if you say, 'Marry her,' I will marry her; that
I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely.
SIR HUGH EVANS
It is a fery discretion answer; save the fall is in
the ort 'dissolutely:' the ort is, according to our
225meaning, 'resolutely:' his meaning is good.
SHALLOW
Ay, I think my cousin meant well.
SLENDER
Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la!
SHALLOW
Here comes fair Mistress Anne.
Would I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne!
ANNE PAGE
230The dinner is on the table; my father desires your
worships' company.
SHALLOW
I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Od's plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace.
Exeunt SHALLOW and SIR HUGH EVANS
ANNE PAGE
Will't please your worship to come in, sir?
SLENDER
235No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well.
ANNE PAGE
The dinner attends you, sir.
SLENDER
I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go,
sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my
cousin Shallow.
240A justice of peace sometimes may be beholding to his
friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy
yet, till my mother be dead: but what though? Yet I
live like a poor gentleman born.
ANNE PAGE
I may not go in without your worship: they will not
245sit till you come.
SLENDER
I' faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much as
though I did.
ANNE PAGE
I pray you, sir, walk in.
SLENDER
I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised
250my shin th' other day with playing at sword and
dagger with a master of fence; three veneys for a
dish of stewed prunes; and, by my troth, I cannot
abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your
dogs bark so? be there bears i' the town?
ANNE PAGE
255I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of.
SLENDER
I love the sport well but I shall as soon quarrel at
it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see
the bear loose, are you not?
ANNE PAGE
Ay, indeed, sir.
SLENDER
260That's meat and drink to me, now. I have seen
Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by
the chain; but, I warrant you, the women have so
cried and shrieked at it, that it passed: but women,
indeed, cannot abide 'em; they are very ill-favored
265rough things.
Re-enter PAGE
PAGE
Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you.
SLENDER
I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.
PAGE
By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! come, come.
SLENDER
Nay, pray you, lead the way.
PAGE
270Come on, sir.
SLENDER
Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.
ANNE PAGE
Not I, sir; pray you, keep on.
SLENDER
I'll rather be unmannerly than troublesome.
You do yourself wrong, indeed, la!
Exeunt
1-2
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE
SIR HUGH EVANS
Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius' house which
is the way: and there dwells one Mistress Quickly,
which is in the manner of his nurse, or his dry
nurse, or his cook, or his laundry, his washer, and
5his wringer.
SIMPLE
Well, sir.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter; for it
is a 'oman that altogether's acquaintance with
Mistress Anne Page: and the letter is, to desire
10and require her to solicit your master's desires to
Mistress Anne Page. I pray you, be gone: I will
make an end of my dinner; there's pippins and cheese to come.
Exeunt
1-3
Enter FALSTAFF, Host, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, and ROBIN
FALSTAFF
Mine host of the Garter!
HOST
What says my bully-rook? speak scholarly and wisely.
FALSTAFF
Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my
followers.
HOST
5Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag; trot, trot.
FALSTAFF
I sit at ten pounds a week.
HOST
Thou'rt an emperor, Caesar, Keisar, and Pheezar. I
will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall
tap: said I well, bully Hector?
FALSTAFF
10Do so, good mine host.
HOST
I have spoke; let him follow.
Let me see thee froth and lime: I am at a word; follow.
Exit
FALSTAFF
Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade:
an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered
15serving-man a fresh tapster. Go; adieu.
BARDOLPH
It is a life that I have desired: I will thrive.
PISTOL
O base Hungarian wight! wilt thou the spigot wield?
Exit BARDOLPH
NYM
He was gotten in drink: is not the humour conceited?
FALSTAFF
I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox: his
20thefts were too open; his filching was like an
unskilful singer; he kept not time.
NYM
The good humour is to steal at a minute's rest.
PISTOL
'Convey,' the wise it call. 'Steal!' foh! a fico
for the phrase!
FALSTAFF
25Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
PISTOL
Why, then, let kibes ensue.
FALSTAFF
There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift.
PISTOL
Young ravens must have food.
FALSTAFF
Which of you know Ford of this town?
PISTOL
30I ken the wight: he is of substance good.
FALSTAFF
My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
PISTOL
Two yards, and more.
FALSTAFF
No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist two
yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about
35thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's
wife: I spy entertainment in her; she discourses,
she carves, she gives the leer of invitation: I
can construe the action of her familiar style; and
the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished
40rightly, is, 'I am Sir John Falstaff's.'
PISTOL
He hath studied her will, and translated her will,
out of honesty into English.
NYM
The anchor is deep: will that humour pass?
FALSTAFF
Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her
45husband's purse: he hath a legion of angels.
PISTOL
As many devils entertain; and 'To her, boy,' say I.
NYM
The humour rises; it is good: humour me the angels.
FALSTAFF
I have writ me here a letter to her: and here
another to Page's wife, who even now gave me good
50eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious
oeillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my
foot, sometimes my portly belly.
PISTOL
Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
NYM
I thank thee for that humour.
FALSTAFF
55O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with such a
greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did
seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here's
another letter to her: she bears the purse too; she
is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will
60be cheater to them both, and they shall be
exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West
Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou
this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to
Mistress Ford: we will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
PISTOL
65Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all!
NYM
I will run no base humour: here, take the
humour-letter: I will keep the havior of reputation.
FALSTAFF
To ROBIN
Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN
PISTOL
75Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds,
And high and low beguiles the rich and poor:
Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
Base Phrygian Turk!
NYM
I have operations which be humours of revenge.
PISTOL
80Wilt thou revenge?
NYM
By welkin and her star!
PISTOL
With wit or steel?
NYM
With both the humours, I:
I will discuss the humour of this love to Page.
PISTOL
85And I to Ford shall eke unfold
How Falstaff, varlet vile,
His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
And his soft couch defile.
NYM
My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page to
90deal with poison; I will possess him with
yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous:
that is my true humour.
PISTOL
Thou art the Mars of malecontents: I second thee; troop on.
Exeunt
1-4
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, SIMPLE, and RUGBY
MISTRESS QUICKLY
What, John Rugby! I pray thee, go to the casement,
and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor
Caius, coming. If he do, i' faith, and find any
body in the house, here will be an old abusing of
5God's patience and the king's English.
RUGBY
I'll go watch.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Go; and we'll have a posset for't soon at night, in
faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire.
An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant
10shall come in house withal, and, I warrant you, no
tell-tale nor no breed-bate: his worst fault is,
that he is given to prayer; he is something peevish
that way: but nobody but has his fault; but let
that pass. Peter Simple, you say your name is?
SIMPLE
15Ay, for fault of a better.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
And Master Slender's your master?
SIMPLE
Ay, forsooth.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Does he not wear a great round beard, like a
glover's paring-knife?
SIMPLE
20No, forsooth: he hath but a little wee face, with a
little yellow beard, a Cain-coloured beard.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
A softly-sprighted man, is he not?
SIMPLE
Ay, forsooth: but he is as tall a man of his hands
as any is between this and his head; he hath fought
25with a warrener.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
How say you? O, I should remember him: does he not
hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait?
SIMPLE
Yes, indeed, does he.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune! Tell
30Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your
master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish--
Re-enter RUGBY
RUGBY
Out, alas! here comes my master.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young man;
go into this closet: he will not stay long.
35What, John Rugby! John! what, John, I say!
Go, John, go inquire for my master; I doubt
he be not well, that he comes not home.
And down, down, adown-a, &c.
Enter DOCTOR CAIUS
DOCTOR CAIUS
Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray you,
40go and vetch me in my closet un boitier vert, a box,
a green-a box: do intend vat I speak? a green-a box.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Ay, forsooth; I'll fetch it you.
I am glad he went not in himself: if he had found
the young man, he would have been horn-mad.
DOCTOR CAIUS
45Fe, fe, fe, fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je
m'en vais a la cour--la grande affaire.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Is it this, sir?
DOCTOR CAIUS
Oui; mette le au mon pocket: depeche, quickly. Vere
is dat knave Rugby?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
50What, John Rugby! John!
RUGBY
Here, sir!
DOCTOR CAIUS
You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby. Come,
take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to the court.
RUGBY
'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.
DOCTOR CAIUS
55By my trot, I tarry too long. Od's me!
Qu'ai-j'oublie! dere is some simples in my closet,
dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Ay me, he'll find the young man here, and be mad!
DOCTOR CAIUS
O diable, diable! vat is in my closet? Villain! larron!
60Rugby, my rapier!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Good master, be content.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Wherefore shall I be content-a?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
The young man is an honest man.
DOCTOR CAIUS
What shall de honest man do in my closet? dere is
65no honest man dat shall come in my closet.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic. Hear the truth
of it: he came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Vell.
SIMPLE
Ay, forsooth; to desire her to--
MISTRESS QUICKLY
70Peace, I pray you.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Peace-a your tongue. Speak-a your tale.
SIMPLE
To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to
speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my
master in the way of marriage.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
75This is all, indeed, la! but I'll ne'er put my
finger in the fire, and need not.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, baille me some paper.
Tarry you a little-a while.
Writes
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Aside to SIMPLE
I am glad he is so quiet: if he
SIMPLE
Aside to MISTRESS QUICKLY
'Tis a great charge to
MISTRESS QUICKLY
90
Aside to SIMPLE
Are you avised o' that? you
DOCTOR CAIUS
You jack'nape, give-a this letter to Sir Hugh; by
gar, it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in dee
park; and I will teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest
100to meddle or make. You may be gone; it is not good
you tarry here. By gar, I will cut all his two
stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone to throw
at his dog:
Exit SIMPLE
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Alas, he speaks but for his friend.
DOCTOR CAIUS
105It is no matter-a ver dat: do not you tell-a me
dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I
vill kill de Jack priest; and I have appointed mine
host of de Jarteer to measure our weapon. By gar, I
will myself have Anne Page.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
110Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We
must give folks leave to prate: what, the good-jer!
DOCTOR CAIUS
Rugby, come to the court with me. By gar, if I have
not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my
door. Follow my heels, Rugby.
Exeunt DOCTOR CAIUS and RUGBY
MISTRESS QUICKLY
115You shall have An fool's-head of your own. No, I
know Anne's mind for that: never a woman in Windsor
knows more of Anne's mind than I do; nor can do more
than I do with her, I thank heaven.
FENTON
Within
Who's within there? ho!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
120Who's there, I trow! Come near the house, I pray you.
Enter FENTON
FENTON
How now, good woman? how dost thou?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
The better that it pleases your good worship to ask.
FENTON
What news? how does pretty Mistress Anne?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and
125gentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell you
that by the way; I praise heaven for it.
FENTON
Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? shall I not lose my suit?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Troth, sir, all is in his hands above: but
notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I'll be sworn on a
130book, she loves you. Have not your worship a wart
above your eye?
FENTON
Yes, marry, have I; what of that?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Well, thereby hangs a tale: good faith, it is such
another Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as ever
135broke bread: we had an hour's talk of that wart. I
shall never laugh but in that maid's company! But
indeed she is given too much to allicholy and
musing: but for you--well, go to.
FENTON
Well, I shall see her to-day. Hold, there's money
140for thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf: if
thou seest her before me, commend me.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Will I? i'faith, that we will; and I will tell your
worship more of the wart the next time we have
confidence; and of other wooers.
FENTON
145Well, farewell; I am in great haste now.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Farewell to your worship.
Truly, an honest gentleman: but Anne loves him not;
for I know Anne's mind as well as another does. Out
upon't! what have I forgot?
Exit
2-1
Enter MISTRESS PAGE, with a letter
MISTRESS PAGE
What, have I scaped love-letters in the holiday-
time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them?
Let me see.
'Ask me no reason why I love you; for though
5Love use Reason for his physician, he admits him
not for his counsellor. You are not young, no more
am I; go to then, there's sympathy: you are merry,
so am I; ha, ha! then there's more sympathy: you
love sack, and so do I; would you desire better
10sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page,--at
the least, if the love of soldier can suffice,--
that I love thee. I will not say, pity me; 'tis
not a soldier-like phrase: but I say, love me. By me,
Thine own true knight,
15By day or night,
Or any kind of light,
With all his might
For thee to fight, JOHN FALSTAFF'
What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked
20world! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with
age to show himself a young gallant! What an
unweighed behavior hath this Flemish drunkard
picked--with the devil's name!--out of my
conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me?
25Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! What
should I say to him? I was then frugal of my
mirth: Heaven forgive me! Why, I'll exhibit a bill
in the parliament for the putting down of men. How
shall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be,
30as sure as his guts are made of puddings.
Enter MISTRESS FORD
MISTRESS FORD
Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house.
MISTRESS PAGE
And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look very
ill.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show to the contrary.
MISTRESS PAGE
35Faith, but you do, in my mind.
MISTRESS FORD
Well, I do then; yet I say I could show you to the
contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some counsel!
MISTRESS PAGE
What's the matter, woman?
MISTRESS FORD
O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, I
40could come to such honour!
MISTRESS PAGE
Hang the trifle, woman! take the honour. What is
it? dispense with trifles; what is it?
MISTRESS FORD
If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so,
I could be knighted.
MISTRESS PAGE
45What? thou liest! Sir Alice Ford! These knights
will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter the
article of thy gentry.
MISTRESS FORD
We burn daylight: here, read, read; perceive how I
might be knighted. I shall think the worse of fat
50men, as long as I have an eye to make difference of
men's liking: and yet he would not swear; praised
women's modesty; and gave such orderly and
well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that I
would have sworn his disposition would have gone to
55the truth of his words; but they do no more adhere
and keep place together than the Hundredth Psalm to
the tune of 'Green Sleeves.' What tempest, I trow,
threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his
belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged
60on him? I think the best way were to entertain him
with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted
him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?
MISTRESS PAGE
Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and
Ford differs! To thy great comfort in this mystery
65of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy
letter: but let thine inherit first; for, I
protest, mine never shall. I warrant he hath a
thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for
different names--sure, more,--and these are of the
70second edition: he will print them, out of doubt;
for he cares not what he puts into the press, when
he would put us two. I had rather be a giantess,
and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you
twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.
MISTRESS FORD
75Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the very
words. What doth he think of us?
MISTRESS PAGE
Nay, I know not: it makes me almost ready to
wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain
myself like one that I am not acquainted withal;
80for, sure, unless he know some strain in me, that I
know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.
MISTRESS FORD
'Boarding,' call you it? I'll be sure to keep him
above deck.
MISTRESS PAGE
So will I if he come under my hatches, I'll never
85to sea again. Let's be revenged on him: let's
appoint him a meeting; give him a show of comfort in
his suit and lead him on with a fine-baited delay,
till he hath pawned his horses to mine host of the Garter.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, I will consent to act any villany against him,
90that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O,
that my husband saw this letter! it would give
eternal food to his jealousy.
MISTRESS PAGE
Why, look where he comes; and my good man too: he's
as far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause;
95and that I hope is an unmeasurable distance.
MISTRESS FORD
You are the happier woman.
MISTRESS PAGE
Let's consult together against this greasy knight.
Come hither.
They retire
Enter FORD with PISTOL, and PAGE with NYM
FORD
Well, I hope it be not so.
PISTOL
100Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs:
Sir John affects thy wife.
FORD
Why, sir, my wife is not young.
PISTOL
He wooes both high and low, both rich and poor,
Both young and old, one with another, Ford;
105He loves the gallimaufry: Ford, perpend.
FORD
Love my wife!
PISTOL
With liver burning hot. Prevent, or go thou,
Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels:
O, odious is the name!
FORD
110What name, sir?
PISTOL
The horn, I say. Farewell.
Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night:
Take heed, ere summer comes or cuckoo-birds do sing.
Away, Sir Corporal Nym!
115Believe it, Page; he speaks sense.
Exit
FORD
Aside
I will be patient; I will find out this.
NYM
To PAGE
And this is true; I like not the humourExit
PAGE
'The humour of it,' quoth a'! here's a fellow
frights English out of his wits.
FORD
I will seek out Falstaff.
PAGE
I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.
FORD
130If I do find it: well.
PAGE
I will not believe such a Cataian, though the priest
o' the town commended him for a true man.
FORD
'Twas a good sensible fellow: well.
PAGE
How now, Meg!
MISTRESS PAGE and MISTRESS FORD come forward
MISTRESS PAGE
135Whither go you, George? Hark you.
MISTRESS FORD
How now, sweet Frank! why art thou melancholy?
FORD
I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home, go.
MISTRESS FORD
Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head. Now,
will you go, Mistress Page?
MISTRESS PAGE
140Have with you. You'll come to dinner, George.
Look who comes yonder: she shall be our messenger
to this paltry knight.
MISTRESS FORD
Aside to MISTRESS PAGE
Trust me, I thought on her:Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY
MISTRESS PAGE
145You are come to see my daughter Anne?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne?
MISTRESS PAGE
Go in with us and see: we have an hour's talk with
you.
Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and MISTRESS QUICKLY
PAGE
How now, Master Ford!
FORD
150You heard what this knave told me, did you not?
PAGE
Yes: and you heard what the other told me?
FORD
Do you think there is truth in them?
PAGE
Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight would
offer it: but these that accuse him in his intent
155towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded men;
very rogues, now they be out of service.
FORD
Were they his men?
PAGE
Marry, were they.
FORD
I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at
160the Garter?
PAGE
Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage
towards my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and
what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it
lie on my head.
FORD
165I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to
turn them together. A man may be too confident: I
would have nothing lie on my head: I cannot be thus satisfied.
PAGE
Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes:
there is either liquor in his pate or money in his
170purse when he looks so merrily.
How now, mine host!
HOST
How now, bully-rook! thou'rt a gentleman.
Cavaleiro-justice, I say!
Enter SHALLOW
SHALLOW
I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and
175twenty, good Master Page! Master Page, will you go
with us? we have sport in hand.
HOST
Tell him, cavaleiro-justice; tell him, bully-rook.
SHALLOW
Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh
the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.
FORD
180Good mine host o' the Garter, a word with you.
Drawing him aside
HOST
What sayest thou, my bully-rook?
SHALLOW
To PAGE
Will you go with us to behold it? MyThey converse apart
HOST
Hast thou no suit against my knight, my
guest-cavaleire?
FORD
None, I protest: but I'll give you a pottle of
190burnt sack to give me recourse to him and tell him
my name is Brook; only for a jest.
HOST
My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress;
--said I well?--and thy name shall be Brook. It is
a merry knight. Will you go, An-heires?
SHALLOW
195Have with you, mine host.
PAGE
I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in
his rapier.
SHALLOW
Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these times
you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and
200I know not what: 'tis the heart, Master Page; 'tis
here, 'tis here. I have seen the time, with my long
sword I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.
HOST
Here, boys, here, here! shall we wag?
PAGE
Have with you. I would rather hear them scold than fight.
Exeunt Host, SHALLOW, and PAGE
FORD
205Though Page be a secure fool, an stands so firmly
on his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my
opinion so easily: she was in his company at Page's
house; and what they made there, I know not. Well,
I will look further into't: and I have a disguise
210to sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not
my labour; if she be otherwise, 'tis labour well bestowed.
Exit
2-2
Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL
FALSTAFF
I will not lend thee a penny.
PISTOL
Why, then the world's mine oyster.
Which I with sword will open.
FALSTAFF
Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should
5lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon my
good friends for three reprieves for you and your
coach-fellow Nym; or else you had looked through
the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned in
hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends, you were
10good soldiers and tall fellows; and when Mistress
Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't upon
mine honour thou hadst it not.
PISTOL
Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteen pence?
FALSTAFF
Reason, you rogue, reason: thinkest thou I'll
15endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more
about me, I am no gibbet for you. Go. A short knife
and a throng! To your manor of Pickt-hatch! Go.
You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue! you
stand upon your honour! Why, thou unconfinable
20baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the
terms of my honour precise: I, I, I myself
sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand
and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to
shuffle, to hedge and to lurch; and yet you, rogue,
25will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain
looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your
bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your
honour! You will not do it, you!
PISTOL
I do relent: what would thou more of man?
Enter ROBIN
ROBIN
30Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.
FALSTAFF
Let her approach.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Give your worship good morrow.
FALSTAFF
Good morrow, good wife.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Not so, an't please your worship.
FALSTAFF
35Good maid, then.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
I'll be sworn,
As my mother was, the first hour I was born.
FALSTAFF
I do believe the swearer. What with me?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?
FALSTAFF
40Two thousand, fair woman: and I'll vouchsafe thee
the hearing.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
There is one Mistress Ford, sir:--I pray, come a
little nearer this ways:--I myself dwell with master
Doctor Caius,--
FALSTAFF
45Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,--
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Your worship says very true: I pray your worship,
come a little nearer this ways.
FALSTAFF
I warrant thee, nobody hears; mine own people, mine
own people.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
50Are they so? God bless them and make them his servants!
FALSTAFF
Well, Mistress Ford; what of her?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord Lord! your
worship's a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you and all
of us, I pray!
FALSTAFF
55Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford,--
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Marry, this is the short and the long of it; you
have brought her into such a canaries as 'tis
wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the
court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her
60to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and
lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I warrant
you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift
after gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and so
rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in
65such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of
the best and the fairest, that would have won any
woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could never
get an eye-wink of her: I had myself twenty angels
given me this morning; but I defy all angels, in
70any such sort, as they say, but in the way of
honesty: and, I warrant you, they could never get
her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of
them all: and yet there has been earls, nay, which
is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her.
FALSTAFF
75But what says she to me? be brief, my good
she-Mercury.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Marry, she hath received your letter, for the which
she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you
to notify that her husband will be absence from his
80house between ten and eleven.
FALSTAFF
Ten and eleven?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the
picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford,
her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet
85woman leads an ill life with him: he's a very
jealousy man: she leads a very frampold life with
him, good heart.
FALSTAFF
Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will
not fail her.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
90Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to
your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty
commendations to you too: and let me tell you in
your ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife, and
one, I tell you, that will not miss you morning nor
95evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the
other: and she bade me tell your worship that her
husband is seldom from home; but she hopes there
will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon
a man: surely I think you have charms, la; yes, in truth.
FALSTAFF
100Not I, I assure thee: setting the attractions of my
good parts aside I have no other charms.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Blessing on your heart for't!
FALSTAFF
But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife and
Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
105That were a jest indeed! they have not so little
grace, I hope: that were a trick indeed! but
Mistress Page would desire you to send her your
little page, of all loves: her husband has a
marvellous infection to the little page; and truly
110Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in
Windsor leads a better life than she does: do what
she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go
to bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as
she will: and truly she deserves it; for if there
115be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must
send her your page; no remedy.
FALSTAFF
Why, I will.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Nay, but do so, then: and, look you, he may come and
go between you both; and in any case have a
120nay-word, that you may know one another's mind, and
the boy never need to understand any thing; for
'tis not good that children should know any
wickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion,
as they say, and know the world.
FALSTAFF